Craving intimacy far from a selfish desire

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have the most wonderful thoughts as I’m going to sleep (lying next to my useless mate) and then I can’t get them out of my head, even the next day. Let’s just say my dreams are pretty adult and they don’t feature my husband.

I can’t begin to describe how hard it is for me to think about these sexual things while being married to a guy who doesn’t take care of himself personally, not to mention the house or even his car (and I thought men cared about their cars).

I long for the physical touch of someone else — anyone. I hate how much it fills my mind, and I get ashamed of my feelings sometimes. We have three teenage boys and the thought of breaking up the family and destroying their world almost gives me a panic attack.

We live in a house in a very nice area, and if I left their father just over sex I would never forgive myself. I just can’t stop the thoughts from creeping into my mind all day, every day, and then at night when my eyes are shut, I can see them in Technicolor.

— Guilty Dream Girl, South Winnipeg

Dear Dream Girl: When you guilt yourself for wanting a sex life, you’re writing off your own feelings. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, but before jumping to the conclusion you have to leave your husband to find what you are seeking it might be worth talking to your husband first.

Tell him clearly you are losing your attraction to him and that most women want a man who can at least keep himself clean and attractive and help look after the house. When people get married, it unfortunately seems common that one of them will let themselves go at some point in time. Sometimes with the right approach, and with love in your heart and your voice, you can talk to them about it and inspire meaningful changes.

The place where some couples go wrong is the approach. When people stop taking care of themselves, they need to hear concern and encouragement, not negativity and criticism.

There are numerous reasons why people let themselves go, including anxiety, depression or even a secret they’re hiding. Don’t position yourself as another source of their stress; be someone who wants to see the person well and happy again.

If you receive pushback from your husband on this, you are well within your rights to stand your ground, wherever that takes you. Healthy adults need physical interaction, and you are not selfish for wanting that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped my mother’s face recently, and now I don’t know what to do. Moms and daughters, right? Well, it’s worse than that. She was blackout drunk and calling me a whole bunch of names — really mean stuff.

I still live at home and I can tell she hates that, but I’m trying to get a degree (paying for it myself) before I have to pay rent, as well.

After I hit her, she told me to go live with my grandma, who is super-religious. I really love my mom when she’s sober, but now she drinks every day. When she starts, she’s in good spirits, but after a few hours she starts demeaning me and my younger siblings, and hitting us with objects. It’s scary. What should I do?

— Stuck Student, St James

Dear Stuck: Your mom’s problem has become very serious — both for you and your siblings. How old are they? Where is your dad in all this? Does he or your grandma know your mother is violent and abusive and drinking daily? They need to know about all this ASAP.

Even if your grandma is deeper into religion than you prefer, her home is a better living situation for you than the one you are in, and that includes your sisters and brothers.

Talk openly to grandma now about your mom’s drinking and the abuse that’s been going on at home.

Your mom is a person who needs to get into treatment, and sometimes the only way that will happen is through something as serious as an intervention.

Talk to your counsellors at university as well and ask about any extra supports they can recommend. Also contact Al-Anon (al-anon.org), the organization working to support families and friends of alcoholics. The group is well-equipped to help people in situations like yours.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.