Best move is to get honest, not ‘even’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just got a racy birthday card in the mail at work, with a letter inside it from an old girlfriend! Her praise of my body and intelligence was extravagant — almost poetic — but it felt really good.

I took it home and showed the card and letter to my wife, to make her jealous, I admit. All she said was, “Perhaps your old girlfriend’s getting into the booze in her old age!” That made me really mad.

Now I suddenly want to call up my ex and go visit her for a weekend. (She lives in another province.) I doubt if my wife would even suspect anything, as I travel a lot for my work.

Plus, when it comes to our own sex life, it seems like my wife couldn’t care less about being with me anymore. My wife’s big excitement is going out with girlfriends and flying to concerts with them. Things have gotten so petty between us now that I wouldn’t mind the feeling of evening things up! Please advise.

— Tempted to Fly, East Kildonan

Dear Tempted to Fly: Before you do something that could definitely end your marriage, be sure that’s what you really want.

So, tell your wife honestly how you feel about your marriage of late, and ask her if she feels the same way. Invite her to air her dissatisfaction, without interruption. Finally, ask her if she wants to take the issues to a relationship counsellor, to see if they can be fixed.

You did love each other enough to get married once upon a time, and that love could still be there, buried under the rubble. You might want to dig it out together and try to find the happiness again — or maybe not!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I really love my husband, and I want to believe he feels the same way, although he doesn’t say it, now we’re actually married. He used to say, “Love you, Babe!” every time he went out the door. If it doesn’t get said, does that mean a couple has lost the love, and is just “hanging in there” now?

My husband would to say it at least five days a week, and now he doesn’t say it at all — not ever! I refuse to beg for words that used to be freely given.

— Still Need Those Words, Silver Heights

Dear Need Those Words: You aren’t necessarily feeling a lack of love — and maybe your husband isn’t either. It’s the reassuring words you want back in place. So, this definitely needs to be seriously discussed before things get any colder.

Some people wind up feeling awkward, repeating “I love you” every time they part. Others have different methods to express their feelings to their partner, like a secret hand signal, a special wink or even a honk on the horn when leaving the driveway which makes the neighbours crazy.

A lot of long-term couples can’t be bothered beyond saying, “See you later!” at the door because they feel so securely loved. You obviously need more than that!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I threw up on a second date after a big, beautiful, expensive dinner with drinks, and it was pretty nasty. I managed to get out of the guy’s expensive car in the cold just before most of it happened. But I managed to get some on his car that went unnoticed until the next day.

Then he phoned me in a huff!

I said in response: “Hey, life can be like that, and as a gentleman, you should be more understanding.” My best friend says I still owe him a car wash, and I should send him a gift certificate. What’s up with her?

— Sensitive Stomach, St. Norbert

Dear Sensitive Stomach: Your interfering buddy seems a little too interested in this spit-up spat. Could she be interested in this guy herself, and is enjoying the aftermath of your unfortunate date? Don’t be surprised if she calls this guy to sympathize and ends up going out with him for a coffee date, ostensibly to discuss you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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