DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got a surprise phone call the other night from a number I thought I recognized and took a chance on answering it.

It was an old English girlfriend who still lives in London, where I went to university. I’ve been lonely this summer, so I thought, “What harm could there be in a friendly chat?”

I poured myself a big glass of wine as we started conversing. She was all flirty and charming — and hinting she wanted an invitation to come to Canada and visit me.

That sounded kind of exciting, and as I had another drink (and another) as we kept on talking, things got into full swing! Now she’s coming to Winnipeg for three weeks in the very near future. That can be a long time, if things go badly. Help me!

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My neighbour mowed the words “dumb ass” into my lawn, which had grown way too long while I was staying at the lake in my new cabin — for four weeks.

I agree my long front lawn got annoying to look at on our residential street. So, I got home and got out of my car, and took pictures of what he did to my lawn — in front of some neighbours for witnesses.

Then I unpacked my stuff, and that night just before bed I finally mowed the lawn with my loud mower. I did it in my own sweet time and went to bed, still mad. I honestly thought my neighbour was mostly just jealous because he doesn’t have a cabin himself!

I’d finally cooled off by noon the next day, so I went out and bought the guy a 12-pack, and left the beer on his back steps, with a card saying, “You can relax now!”

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m going crazy! My husband and I are living up at a lake for the first summer after buying a beautiful new cabin. I thought it was going to be heaven, but it’s been hell for me.

I’m not retired, but I’m able to work at my office job remotely for the summer. The problem is, I’m already lonely and bored while my husband is out fishing. My man goes off in the boat with his buddies in the early morning, often for the whole day and the early evening, too. Now he says he’s “in fisherman’s heaven” with his retired buddies who go explore the many great angling lakes around us.

If it goes on all summer and into early fall, and I’ll be out of my mind by then. Most of the other guys’ wives stay back in the city now. They learned early on it’s a drag to be a fisherman’s “widow.”

I called my boss this morning after my husband left to go fishing. My manager says they’re really busy right now, and could use me there ASAP. Yay! I can come back to the office as soon as I want, but I feel guilty about leaving my husband alone. What should I do?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I got into a bank lineup recently, I had no idea who queued up behind me, because I was too busy checking my phone. Then I heard this guy say down my neck, “Just as beautiful as ever!”

I whirled around and saw my ex-boyfriend grinning at me. I waited for him to finish at the bank, so we could go for coffee at a breakfast place and catch up. But that was it for me — coffee and a chat! Unfortunately, he wants more of “us” and he’s been calling me every night since. The guy’s in sales now, and he’s using his new techniques, but he’s going overboard and really annoying me now!

How do you tell a past boyfriend to cease and desist? To be fair, he’s said nothing overly inappropriate, except how he’s really loving my new look and that he wants to see me again. Why isn’t he getting the hint when I refuse all his suggestions to do more together?

— Getting Fed Up, East Kildonan

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve discovered my wife is quite amorous out at the lake. It’s our first year having a fair bit of alone time at the cottage, and I’m all for an exciting sex life with the breeze blowing in through the windows.

Our kids are grown up now and not out here regularly anymore, so my wife doesn’t think she needs to keep it down. And she can be pretty noisy in bed.

Our neighbour behind us invited me over for drinks on his deck yesterday afternoon. When he’d had a few, he made a crack about the “free symphony” coming from our bedroom window.

Of course, I went home and told my wife, and she was mortified.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a working mom in my 50s and I love Winnipeg in the summer — all the cultural festivals, concerts and crazy events it has to offer.

So I told my 20-something kids I would come out to our lake cabin for only a couple of June and July weekends, but then join them out there with their dad as well for an unbroken two-week stretch in late-August.

However, I worry I’ll just be cooking and organizing while I’m out there! My bossy eldest daughter made up a cooking schedule, so everybody has a special dinner where they have cook, organize people to bring things, run the barbecue and entertain with a group game afterwards. It’s going well for July, but nobody has signed up for duties in August when we’ll all be out there to enjoy the last of the summer.

I spent summer after summer covering that entire duty calendar for my kids, so it’d be nice to actually relax when I’m out there later this year. So, now what?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I was a young bisexual guy going to university and working in bars at night, I was surrounded by new people — guys and girls all the time.

There were a lot of great late-night parties after work, and I always had my eye on somebody new. I was never lonely in those days. Where did all that fun and happiness go?

Now I’m a few years older with a career and don’t need a job as a bartender to help support me. But it seems like there’s nobody around to meet, other than at bars.

Also, I’m realizing that while there are lots of straight people out there looking for fun and relationships, it’s hard to convince them that I could be true to them alone, being bisexual. But I’m true to whomever I’m with — and I only want one lover at a time.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is beautiful and has a top-heavy body that just won’t quit — and she knows it.

When we went to the beach last weekend, people stood staring at her as she came out of the water in her striped bikini. I really don’t know how to react when this happens. I feel like running up and covering her assets with a towel.

I just want to grab her and say, “She’s mine,” even though I know she’s loyal to me and it would only get me in trouble with her. How can I cope better with this?

— Jealous Guy, Grand Beach

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I spotted an old girlfriend at the beach recently, and what a jolt. She was tanned and gorgeous. She had a pink towel wrapped around her lower half and it reminded me of when she would walk towards me with a sexy look on her face after a shower. She always knew what she was doing and how it affected me.

We didn’t end up chatting at the beach, but to my surprise she called me later that day, asking to take me out to dinner. What should I do? We were a great pair, except for her excessive partying and drinking. I didn’t ask her if she’s being a good girl now. Please advise.

— Curiosity Aroused, West Kildonan

Dear Curious: The more mature version of this ex might be interesting for you — if she has actually graduated from her bad old days of partying. You’ll probably know after a dinner out with her, especially if you have a couple of cocktails.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was feeling smothered by my girlfriend — she wanted to be together 24-7 and that was just too much. I told her that. Her reaction was to tell me a month later that she was pregnant.

I was trapped. That just stressed me out and made me worry about what would happen in my life if I married her. I was in hell.

Then she broke up with me. I told one of her friends at the bar, and she took pity on me. She told me that she was not supposed to tell me the secret, but my girlfriend was never really pregnant. She was faking early symptoms to put me through some hell.

I still kind of love that girlfriend, but I want out for good because she’s crazy enough that she would do anything to trap me and keep me around. Still, I dream about her. How can I get over her?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I lived in Vancouver, my parents were both messed up on drugs and drinking. To survive their craziness, I spent all my spare time as a teenager working hard at different jobs. The day after I graduated high school, I hitchhiked with a guy I knew casually all the way to Winnipeg for a cool job I found online.

We became great friends on the road. He took me to meet his family at their house and they invited me to live in their basement suite. I happily paid rent and felt like I had a new family.

But now, here comes trouble. My parents have gotten sober and want to move back to Manitoba — their original home. They’re hoping I will welcome them back into my life.

Fat chance. I grew so sick of them, I don’t really want a reunion. But now, my girlfriend is curious about my “new and improved” parents, as she calls them. She wants to meet them face-to-face.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband lost his mind at a cottage while on his own. He went up there alone to finish a technical book he’s writing and to get away from the racket at home so he could concentrate.

It should have taken him no more than two weeks to get it wrapped up and off to the editors. Then the plan was I would bring our kids up to join him, and we would all be there for a great summer holiday together.

Instead, I got a phone call from him saying he had an emergency and the cabin owner was going to throw him out and cancel the time with the rest of the family if he didn’t pay full rent immediately.

I yelled at him, asking where all the money went. Before he left, the told me he was taking a bunch of cash for the owner and was going to pay for the full amount of time when he got there.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can’t stand any more of this sweaty weather and neither can my boyfriend. Lately he has been sleeping nude on the balcony of our highrise apartment from sunset to sun up, and then he’s back inside in front of a fan.

Yesterday, he got an unsigned lust note in our mailbox from somebody in a neighbouring building who has been spying on him with her binoculars and knows who he is.

I would like to respond with a sign out on the balcony telling her what she can do with her binoculars. What is your advice?

— Not Laughing, Winnipeg

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I come from a hot country where we showered a lot — we don’t like being sweaty. We’ll sometimes hit the shower three times on a hot day. We usually have a quick shower every morning, another after work, and a final one when getting ready for bed. We’ll even have a fourth after sex.

It’s only takes a minute or two each time. We don’t end up using much more water than our longtime Canadian friends who tell us they only shower once a day or bathe twice a week, but they seem do it for a much longer duration.

One Canadian guy told me he only showers on Saturday nights before he goes out with friends. Tell me he’s joking. How can people stand their own smell if they don’t bathe or shower every day? What do you think?

— Clean and Cool, Fort Richmond

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: With my encouragement, my chubby wife lost 45 pounds over the winter and spring. She also joined an all-female running group.

Last night she had the nerve to tell me she needs more sex as part of her physical rejuvenation. That turns me off somewhat — like I’m one of her exercise machines.

But if I don’t join her in her “more sex” campaign, would she be hurt and depressed and then gain back all the weight? She’s become really attractive-looking again, like she looked before she had our kids. She could actually probably get another guy if she tried.

If I knew she would become so sexual and demanding, I wouldn’t have bugged her to take the weight off. I was complaining about this to a friend I golf with, who is on his second wife and knows everything about cheating.