Federal beer tax hikes unpatriotic

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/01/2018 (3124 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

We crusading journalists are expected to bravely take stands on the vital issues of the day in a sincere and humanitarian effort to make life better for our readers.

Speaking as a big-shot newspaper columnist with naturally curly hair and steely blue eyes, there is nothing I enjoy more than drawing a line in the sand, unless, of course, that proves too difficult, in which case I just lie on the couch in my den watching sports highlights on my big-screen TV.

But today I feel compelled to get off the couch, put on a pair of pants, open the front door (which we have just had repaired, so it now opens and closes like a normal door), then shriek at the top of my lungs: “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”

Call me a courageous man of action if you must, but I am feeling this way because it has come to my attention that the federal government (prepare to be filled with righteous indignation) plans to increase the tax on local and imported beer this spring, and then every (bad word) year after that.

For those of you who are just waking up, I will activate the caps lock feature on my keyboard and recap what we have just learned: “THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS RAISING THE TAX ON BEER! EVERY YEAR!”

I’m sorry to shout at you like that, but I am pretty sure that beer is one of those issues that strikes a nerve with all right-thinking Canadians, especially guys of my gender who know, deep in their hearts, that access to inexpensive beer and chicken wings is our democratic right.

What you need to know is that in last year’s federal budget Justin Trudeau’s Liberal government increased the excise duty rates on alcohol, including beer, by two per cent. At the time, the government also announced it would annually adjust the tax by indexing it to the consumer price index with the first inflationary adjustment coming April 1.

For their part, federal government spokespersons have dismissed the brouhaha over brew, saying the increase amounts to just a nickel per 24-bottle case and that the last significant increase in beer taxation was more than 30 years ago.

Which is why I like to say (pardon me while I activate the caps lock feature again): “TO HELL WITH FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SPOKESPERSONS!”

You have to wonder what the government was thinking when it decided to boost the tax on our beloved suds every year in perpetuity. The problem is, they were not thinking, as we can see from the following secret transcript that I just made up:

Justin Trudeau: “OK, we really need more money to do government stuff. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?”

Finance Minister Bill Morneau: “Hey, how about we raise the tax on beer, like, every year?”

Trudeau: “Interesting. What impact would that have on a lovely bottle of Chardonnay?”

Morneau: “Um, none.”

Trudeau: “OK, I’m in!”

I don’t want to exaggerate the importance of this frothy issue, but I am pretty sure raising the tax on the icy cold nectar of the gods every year is just about the most un-Canadian thing a government could do.

Seriously, why don’t they raise the price of maple syrup while they’re at it? Or why not charge us an entertainment tax every time we switch on our TV sets to watch Hockey Night in Canada? Maybe they could make it illegal to obtain a box of Timbits without a federal permit, if you catch my non-subtle drift.

Fortunately, like myself, a group of brave Canadians is not taking this matter sitting down. I am referring here to Beer Canada, the trade association representing major brewers, which has launched a national campaign calling on Ottawa to back down.

Beer Canada’s “Axe the Beer Tax” petition (axethebeertax.ca) urges suds-loving Canucks to stand up, then sit back down at their computers and pound out angry emails to Trudeau and Morneau urging them to stop the madness, so to speak.

“Obviously this is troubling because it’s going to automatically increase prices for our customers, who are already paying a 47 per cent tax rate on average across the country,” Luke Harford, president of Beer Canada, told reporters last week.

“Our point is that, if they want to increase tax, they should talk about it every year as opposed to hiding it in the legislation where it automatically goes up every year,” Harford said.

At this point, I could regale you with vital pro-beer information, such as the fact Italian researchers have found that moderate beer drinkers had a 42 per cent lower risk of heart disease compared to non-drinkers, and that Finnish researchers found it can lower your risk of developing kidney stones.

But, no, we don’t have time for that today. We just have time enough to fire off stern emails to our federal MPs informing them that they had better keep their greasy mitts off of our pint of lager and/or pale ale if they know what’s good for them.

My email will contain the following patriotic poem: “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Raise the tax on beer/And I won’t be (bad word) voting for you!”

Now, if you don’t mind, pass me a cold one, because taking a courageous journalistic stand can really make you thirsty.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca