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This article was published 15/04/2024 (514 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Hayley Simons, 35, helps parents to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of family life by equipping them with the right tools and supports to uplift and dignify the needs of their children.

Simons has a bachelor of human ecology degree in child and adolescent development and a masters in child and adolescent development from the University of Manitoba. She is a certified pediatric sleep consultant with the Family Sleep Institute and a certified child behaviour specialist with the Early Years Family Development Centre. Simons is on Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest as @hayleytheparentcoach.

A parent coach is somebody who …

… understands how difficult and lonely parenting can feel. I am there to help support and guide parents. I often say parents are coaches for their kids and coaches need coaches.

You have to be a parent to be a parent coach …

… and you have to have the education and the training because if you don’t then there is no direction. You need to know what you’re doing.

When parents are going through a difficult season …

… we can’t get out of our own way. We are too close to the situation. It can be helpful to have somebody who knows what they are talking about to provide a different perspective so parents can stop, think and change the way they are responding.

A parent who is looking for help …

… is in a very vulnerable position. There is the fear of judgment, of feeling like you are not enough. It’s OK to ask for help; there is nothing wrong with your child.

I am a safe, non-judgmental place …

… for parents because they are already coming a little bit apprehensive or cautious. Regardless of what they’ve done as parents, they want to do it a different way.

The kind of relationship parents are looking for …

… is to connect with their children more deeply and create that relationship so that in 20 years, when they’ve started their own families or when they’re teenagers going through a hard time they want to come home, they want to talk to you, they want to be in your presence. Families I work with want a lifetime relationship with their children.

To have a lifetime relationship with children …

… we must treat them with respect as we raise them and teach them about the world.

Parenting trends have changed a lot …

… since I was parented. When I was a kid, there was a lot of yelling, and spanking was a thing. Punishments that didn’t really fit the crime. And using food to punish or a way to incentivize obedience or compliance; how many of us have grown up with eating disorders or body image issues because of that? We want to parent a different way but we don’t know how, we don’t know what that actually looks like. It’s about stopping those patterns of parenting that don’t serve us anymore. I call it cycle breaking.

Stopping that cycle starts with being able to .…

… understand your own childhood and identify inter-generational patterns that are so ingrained. There is a hereditary component; it makes up who we are. It’s life-changing and also the most difficult process you can go through because you need to be able to identify how to change.

There are three types of parenting …

… permissive or jellyfish parenting; authoritarian parenting; and authoritative parenting. Permissive parenting is low involvement, go with the flow. There is not a lot of structure, not a lot of discipline. Kids can do whatever they want and so, when they are doing something wrong or something socially unacceptable, parents turn a blind eye. Authoritarian is on the other end of the spectrum,where you get the really strict, high involvement, high punishment style of parenting that promotes shame and fear. Parents who use that style of parenting use fear in their attempts to gain compliance from their kids. In the middle is the authoritative style,which is very warm, very compassionate and firm but fair. So we can validate our kids experiences and recognize when they are having a hard time. But we know our role is to teach them so we use effective, positive discipline to help them learn about life and about consequences to their actions.

I take the middle authoritative style …

… which is validating the experience of the child, and holding them responsible for the decisions they’ve made.

Children need two things …

… they need to be understood and that comes with validation that what is going on in their world for them is very real. The second thing is holding boundaries.

Holding boundaries or having boundaries …

… means our children know what to expect in a situation and what our expectations are of them. They know to operate within those expectations.

My role is to …

… remind parents they are doing the best they can with what they have. Regardless of where they are in their journey there is always an answer. You’re a good parent and your child is a good person; they are a good kid.

To do this job you have to …

… have really, really good listening skills. Every child and every family is so different. You need to really hear what the parent is saying and sometimes read between the lines. The details really matter. And you have to be a lifelong learner, you have to acknowledge the fact that there is always something left to learn and question.

It’s important for children to …

… have a voice. It doesn’t mean that they’re always going to get what they want, which is where the parenting comes in. It’s our job to make decisions in the best interest of them. Children get to make decisions that are age-appropriate.

Treat your child as an equal …

… in terms of them deserving the same thoughtfulness, love and respect you would show anybody else. Children deserve the same amount of dignity anybody else does. How we show that respect and how we keep their dignity intact is related to their development and using tools to help support them in a way that’s developmentally appropriate. You are responsible for them. You are responsible for teaching them and responsible for keeping them safe.

Skills you learn from a parent coach …

… are skills that you can use in your day-to-day life. Holding boundaries is such a transferable skill; you can practise on your kids and then use it everywhere else.

We are beginning to understand the importance of emotions …

… it’s normal for our kids to tantrum. Imagine what it’s like having a brain that’s not fully developed and being told what to do all the time?

When a child is in a tantrum …

… the child needs to borrow your calm nervous system, they need to borrow your brain. You as a parent need to be calm, breathe and accept the emotions as they come. Emotions are not good or bad; they just are.

How often do I take my own advice? …

… Not all the time. I am very aware of the knee-jerk reactions that I have that are so ingrained in me from watching my dad parent me. As a parent now I know what I ought to change and I know the values that I hold and the values that we hold in our house.

The essence of relationships …

… is to understand one another. Children are people and they need to be understood, too.

Parenting is a 24-hour job …

… no saying “I’m off duty now.”

Answers have been edited for length and clarity.

av.kitching@freepress.mb.ca