Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Advice for a few people you might recognize

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/05/2015 (4170 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Editor’s note:

Each year, we publish more than 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her responses to the life and relationship questions that come her way.

While she treats all letters as sincere requests for help, it turns out that some letters are less than sincere.

Much like Ann Landers, Dear Abby and Miss Prudence, who’ve been targets for fake-letter pranksters in the past, Miss Lonelyhearts recently walked into a trap by offering advice to the plotline of the TV show Full House masquerading as a heartbreaking plea for help. It wasn’t the first time and probably not the last for this ruse.

But here’s the thing: The advice Miss Lonelyhearts provides in good faith has value whether you are a real person or a character on a TV show.

And since there seems to be an appetite to see how she responds to the woes of those living in TV land, here’s her wise counsel to the imagined pleas for help to the big problems facing some familiar folks on the small screen.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Sometimes I worry that my need to be graded has become obsessive. I also worry that my interests are somewhat alienating to other people my age (I am 8).

I’m a feminist, environmentalist and a vegetarian who likes jazz, and I’ve heard I can be sanctimonious. It’s exhausting being the smartest girl in every room, including my living room.

My dad is a (lovable) buffoon, my brother is a troublemaker and my mom is put-upon. Sometimes I look at her and I feel sad because I think about what she might have been.

Anyway, any advice you could give me about dealing with anxiety would be great.

— Serious in Springfield

Dear Serious: The fact is, you’re a brainiac, and that’s a good thing. Nothing can take that away from you. Your brain is like a sparkling jewel, but face this fact right now: Regular people may not be able to see the little gem you are.

Grades don’t tell the whole story, either. Don’t fuss about your marks in public school, as if they mean everything. If some teacher gives you an A instead of an A-plus in a subjective course such as English or history, it probably means he or she has a prejudice towards a certain answer. Or is suffering from a bad case of gas. Luckily, you can always trust your math mark.

By the way, your family is not a reflection of who you are. You get your emotional start there. They love you, and you store that love inside you to make a strong, unbreakable core. One day you will be dating and I have a last tip for you there: When you’re old enough, date cute nerds two grades older than you are, who are more mature than the jerks in your own grade. Some day you will meet a handsome brainiac and together you will you rule the world.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son brought home a high-school dropout who wears a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle. He is known as a bit of a playboy at the diner where the kids hang out, and he constantly has girls on his arm, even though he is a hoodlum. They come running to him when he snaps his fingers, I hear, and the kids say he can get the jukebox to play by hitting it with his fist. I believe he is stealing music. He also insults people by telling them to “Sit on it.” Sit on what?

He comes from a broken home and shows little respect to authority. I believe he is a bad influence on my son, but he has nowhere to live and wants to rent a room above our garage. He has a job as a mechanic and can pay rent. I don’t know how to deal with this. Do I take a chance on him?

— Call me Mrs. C, West End

Dear Mrs. C.: Let that tough boy into your household and feed him! Don’t just feed him food, but feed him love and kindness and be an example of what a loving woman can be. You will earn his undying devotion, because he’s only tough on the outside.

A kid out on his own, having dropped out of school, is afloat and disconnected from the herd. He bosses other guys around, telling them to “sit on it” as he needs to be the pack leader. That makes him feel like he belongs with the group, and he needs that very much. I’m not telling you to be sexy with him, but a pat on the back from a kind adult would be very good for this boy-man. Give him a chance, Mrs. C.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an attractive woman in my mid-30s; I work in an art gallery and I think people would call me sophisticated.

I recently got out of a marriage with a doctor who turned out to have impotency issues and I find myself drawn to my divorce lawyer. He’s short, bald and boorish — not someone I would normally find attractive — but he makes me feel special and I can see us together forever.

The problem? He’s Jewish and says he can’t be with a woman who doesn’t share his faith (although he doesn’t attend synagogue and I’ve seen him eat pork). I really like this guy, despite his lack of refinement. Should I consider converting? I’m Episcopalian.

— The Marrying Kind, Tuxedo

Dear Marrying Kind: You’re both worshipping the same god, so what does it matter which team you’re on? If he needs a Jewish lady, why not ask him how he’d like a newly-graduated Jew in his world? He’d probably be delighted with your converting, as he thinks the world of you.

When you have kids, you can raise them in the Jewish faith, and enjoy all the customs and traditions together as a cohesive Jewish family. Not that he’s going to want strict observance. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be going to synagogue every day, and you can still eat a little bacon if the relatives aren’t around.

The boorishness is another matter. Try this: Instead of whining and criticizing, use your sexual wiles to reward him when he’s subtle and stylish, and one day he may learn to be genteel. No, I did not say gentile.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m going through a difficult time and need your help. I live alone in an apartment with an eccentric but lovable friend living across the hall. He drops by constantly and never knocks before entering my suite. He’s always getting me involved in bizarre situations that leave me exhausted by the end of the day.

I’m in the entertainment industry, performing on stage usually late in the evening, and never seem to get enough sleep.

I have two other friends who are always dropping by. One is a guy who’s been my best friend since high school. He’s a manic, paranoid hypochondriac, but he means well. The other is my ex-girlfriend. Our breakup was amicable and we remain close.

The problem is I really don’t like people as a rule, and would prefer my friends gave me some space. Can you help?

— Jerome, Osborne Village

Dear Jerome: The whole point is making space for you to breathe, while showing love for the people who matter to you.

First, buy a new lock for your door.

Second, get proactive about inviting these friends over when you are actually ready to greet humans. For a night-time performer, a Sunday-dinner ritual at your house would get everybody together for warm times, good food, drinks, gossip and board games.

Also, start calling people when you wake up and feel alive. Then you can feel you care about them on your own timetable. You can also put one of those fake clocks on the door that says “Be back at…” and then you set the little hands for the time you’re waking up. On the top of that clock sign you write: “Dear friends, I love you.”

 

Please send your (real) questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6