Sexy lexicon gets action man’s attention

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/07/2020 (2270 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a harem of beautiful women I can’t get to, because of COVID-19. OK, it’s only three casual ladies, but affection and sex are part of the situation. I’m not much use if we all need to keep from seeing each other in person.

One lady suggested phone sex. I’m no poet; I’m much better in action. Last night one of my ladies called me at 1 a.m. saying she was lonely and needed loving, and when I reminded her I’m hopeless at phone sex, she said, “Then I’ll do the talking.”

Man, could she talk! I’m hooked. I just want to tell guys: there’s nothing like a woman’s voice doing the talking. There’s nothing like a well-read lady with a great vocabulary! You’ll love it. That’s all I’ve got to say. — Lady’s Got It Goin’, Fort Richmond

Dear Got It Goin’: Congratulations to you on finding a way to stay sexually safe and happy, even with more than one partner. Maybe you can learn something from this lady friend, so that one day soon you can reciprocate.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man at a sidewalk café who came over to where I was sitting under my umbrella, reading and drinking wine. He started leaning over the railing and getting in my face. I asked him to please move back to two metres — or to shove off. He was drunk and said, “Aw, pretty lady, you don’t mean that!”

He kept on getting in my face and there was no server in sight, so I tried to whack him with the menu. Just then the restaurant owner came to my rescue, and sent him packing. I realized a few minutes later I could have gotten his germs on my menu by hitting him.

Can a woman not go out safely alone anymore? What can I do with guys like this? I’m going stir crazy in the house, especially on weekends, and my girlfriends are too affectionate when they get drinking and always move in closer and closer to talk and laugh. — Leave Me Alone When I’m Out, Winnipeg

Dear Leave Me Alone: Well, that’s certainly a clear message — you want to be out in public, but not have to be forcing people to back off.

Here’s a suggestion: When possible, sit away from any fence or railing, restaurant aisle or street sidewalk. That way, people can’t get at you, and those lucky enough to be seated inside these days are not supposed to be standing around and shmoozing.

Plus, go out to an outdoor café while the sun is still up for an hour, in order to read. Then head off. You’ll avoid the people who have been drinking, and don’t seem to care about rules anymore.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new wife and I recently bought a cabin and want to spend time out there. But we have a problem. Fishing pals are phoning to try book “a few days” with us there.

One buddy was considerate enough to tell me, “It doesn’t have to be a weekend. There’s always fish!” Ha! I don’t want him and his fishing rod and beer cases up here, even for one day or night.

I’m not a close friend of his, but he sees the possibility of a free night and a day of fishing on my boat. Not happening! My wife can’t stand this guy whose language is pretty vulgar.

What should I tell him and other old buddies? — Freeloading Blues, Cabin Country

Dear Blues: Blame the need for privacy on your wonderful new wife. She won’t mind. Tell your freeloading buddy and pals she’s not having company up there this year, and maybe never, if both of you enjoy the, er, privacy situation. Let the buddies snort; they’re just jealous.

The guy who just asked may comment that you’re “whipped,” or something equally delightful, but you can laugh and say, “I love my new wife and intend to keep her. Buy your own cabin and I’ll come fish with you!”

He won’t know what to do with that statement, but he’ll know he can’t come for a fishing holiday at your cabin this year — or maybe ever.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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