Cool your jets, see new ‘love’ from kids’ perspective

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/01/2023 (1306 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a guy online who lives overseas. I’m a mother with two kids — one 15, and the other 12. The problem? My kids haven’t even met this wonderful, handsome man that has been calling me every night for the last six months, but they’ve already decided they hate him! They say they don’t want to meet him and that if he came to visit, they’d ignore him and say mean things.

I don’t know where all this anger is coming from. How can I get through to my kids, so they’ll be open-minded and nice? This man lives in the country my grandparents emigrated from.

— Mama in Love, The Maples

Dear Mama In Love: No wonder the kids are upset! Put yourself in their shoes. This man they don’t know — whom you have never met in person — threatens to turn their lives upside down! His existence in your life could mean the end of their life here in Canada and continued access to their biological father.

Should he come to Canada to live, this man you already think you love will be forced on them. Or maybe they’ll end up moving in with their bio-dad and his mate, if he has one. So their lives are already being upset over a man no one has met — including their mother.

Right now, your whole relationship has been based on phone calls and photos. It’s time to hit the brakes. Invite this man over to meet you and your family, but think hard if he wants you to pay for the ticket. If he can’t afford it, you might be supporting him as a third dependent in your family!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a “luxury-sized woman.” She wasn’t always this way. She works very hard at a high-stress job and has become obsessed with or addicted to a certain type of doughnut from a chain restaurant. It started with her going for coffee and grabbing a snack, which is fine. Then it turned into her buying a bunch of these doughnuts at once and keeping them at home, which was also fine. But she’s gained, I’m guessing, about 20-30 pounds in one year.

Then she started making a big deal about not eating them anymore, so I figured again, no big deal! She is who she is, and I love her. Then I came home the other day and she was acting like she had just committed a crime — strangely energetic and responding to every single word I said.

Then I noticed in the garbage a crushed-up doughnut box! She was hiding it from me.

I guess she ate all of them and was ashamed? I can’t figure out why she’d lie to me, considering I didn’t care all that much before. It just feels odd around our house now.

What can I do to help her? I’m pretty sure she’s bingeing, and might even be throwing up later (I have seen some evidence). How can I help her? I don’t want her keeping things from me. I feel our trust is eroding and I love her.

— Losing Our Love Over Bingeing? North Kildonan

Dear Losing: Eating disorders have become common in our high-stress world. Before you mention your wife’s suspected binge-eating to her, compile a short list of resources for her to find help. Women’s Health Clinic on Graham Avenue would be a great, non-judgmental place for your wife to start looking for help (womenshealthclinic.com). Klinic on Sherbrook Street could also help her (klinic.mb.ca). There are also many other clinics and private clinicians now who offer an assortment of therapy styles and treatments.

Psychiatrists can also help and their services are covered by Manitoba Health, but tend to have long waiting lists. Good on you, for caring so much!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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