Reassuring words may quell discord over musical turn

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This article was published 29/01/2023 (1300 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I bought myself a bass guitar for Christmas and I’m in love with it. This month I started learning to play, and my wife has started being totally sarcastic. She’s making fun of me, saying things like, “You really think you’re going to be a musician?” or “You’re too old for this. Are you feeling a mid-life crisis coming on?”

I’ve always wanted to play bass, and she knows that. Our kids are in their teens, and I finally have some time and money — but no support from the “love of my life.” I didn’t say anything rude when she took her middle-aged belly to belly-dancing lessons. She’s no sexy dancer, believe me.

Playing guitar fulfils something in me. I’m a natural, and it makes me happy. How can I get her to see that? I tried telling her these things — but the argument went right off the rails. She gets very nasty when she’s on the defensive.

— Learning the Bass and Loving It! Weston

Dear Learning Bass: It’s most often not instrument-playing in earnest that gets a partner going. Rather, it’s the idea of you joining a band, leaving her alone many evenings and having people fawn over you onstage, particularly other women. That often happens, but only if a guy is willing. So, ask her outright: “Is attention from other women your fear?” Tell her that’s not your desire, and that you really hope she will come out to watch you play (if that’s where this new interest takes you), and be your main support.

That will not be the reaction she expected, especially after being spiteful, and it may soften her feelings toward your new interest.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve cooked incredible meals for my family for years — and not to brag, but I’m really good. I’ve watched all the TV cooking shows and my friends say my cooking is nothing short of amazing.

The thing that drives me crazy is that even though my kids know how much pride and work I put into my meals, they systematically ruin them by pouring on ketchup, super-spicy hot sauces, tons of salt and other crap, before they even give one of my dishes a real taste. Should I go on strike?

— Mama Cooking for Monsters, Tuxedo

Dear Mama: Over-spicing is a habit, but kids can be tricked. Quietly stop buying all the sauces and whatever else they love to throw on top of the dishes you cook. Don’t say a word about it. Just put out the normal condiments that go with one of your dishes, whether that’s limes and lemons to squeeze, or a tiny dish of sea salt and a pepper mill.

The kids will probably be too lazy or say they’re “too broke” to go out and buy a weekly supply of ketchup and hot sauces. So, just smile pleasantly, serve your naturally-tasty dinners and carry on. Don’t admit to a plot! When they stop using hot sauces and over-salting everything, their taste buds will come to life again. But don’t let up then, as it needs to become a habit.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We invited my parents over on their anniversary night, as they had absolutely nothing planned. At dinner, they brushed off any anniversary talk, and announced there would be some money for each of our kids for further education. My dad is “old school” and believes in learning the trades, and my mom thinks they should go to a university. No big deal right?

Well, hang on. They both took it to a new level and started yelling at each other! My dad stormed off to our basement, so I went to talk to my mom, who was crying softly behind the bathroom door. She told me they had been fighting like this for months — and that my dad had told her he thought he wanted a divorce!

Then, that was that. They went home, and nothing more has been said since about divorce. Ever since then, my mom has acted like we didn’t have that conversation. I asked my dad about it, just once. He got really angry, and told me it was none of my business!

Am I supposed to just sit by while their world falls apart? Can I help save them? What can I do? They’ve been together such a long time.

— Feeling Totally Helpless, Fort Richmond

Dear Helpless: Your dad has slammed the door on you over this issue, but your mom on the other hand, might welcome a list of counsellors you assemble, along with costs, so she could talk to someone about what she might do. The list could include relationship counsellors, psychologists, and even religious advisers if she’s a person who attends services. As for dad, he probably won’t take kindly to further interference from you, so just work it from your mom’s end.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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