It’s time for honesty over moribund marriage

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This article was published 14/04/2023 (1225 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I married the wrong man. I was 18, and two brothers were interested in me at the same time, and chose to go out with the handsomer of the two. I married him three years later, and we looked like Barbie and Ken dolls.

The other brother, with more personality and a better sense of humour, stood up for us. It crossed my mind at the altar that I might be marrying the wrong brother. Isn’t that awful? Our wedding pictures were gorgeous though. The marriage that followed was only so-so.

I was the lively one in my marriage and my husband was deadly dull — no sense of humour whatsoever. My funny brother-in-law went on to marry a hilarious woman and they have a great marriage, and a pile of kids. My husband and I lost interest in each other, but soldiered on like the decent people we are for the sake of our kids.

Now the kids are grown up, and the last one moved out two months ago. I woke up this morning so dead lonely in my marriage I knew I had to get out. I can’t fake it any longer, but the kids are going to be so upset. I feel like I’ve been a fake wife, half my life. I’m in my 40s now. Is it too late for me to find happiness?

— Wanting a Real Life, Southdale

Dear Wanting: It’s not too late to start living an authentic life. People can live to 90 or even 100 years old now, and that’d be almost 60 more years for you. And how about your husband? Do you think he doesn’t feel the hollowness of your marriage? Maybe he needs to be freed up as well.

There’s no doubt everybody in the family is going to be upset, but you’ll be surprised at the ones who aren’t, and say to you: “I wondered when this was finally going to happen.” Maybe your husband feels the same way, but has been waiting for you to say something. He might be relieved — or he might be sad, if he has had more feelings for you.

Nevertheless, you need an honest life now and it seems that growing desire cannot be ignored any longer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother says I’ve become two different people. During the week, I’m a total nerd — I study hard and get the high grades I need to go to a certain university out of province. On the weekends, I think I’ve earned the right to party.

I go a little crazy drinking and partying! On Sundays I can barely get up, because I’m so hungover. I had a huge fight with Mom last Sunday, and she said, “A weekend drunk is still a drunk.” I think she’s being over-sensitive because my father was alcoholic.

He’s not here now. He moved out of province, and we don’t see him anymore. His occupation pays big bucks, so he just sends what my mother calls “guilt money.” But back to me, I want to know this: Do you think it’s dangerous to blow off steam and get drunk on the weekends? I drink a lot both Friday and Saturday nights, and I’ve been passing out lately. Partying is the only fun I have.

— A Bit Worried, 17, Winnipeg

Dear Worried: You may think binge drinking two nights a week is just reward for a sober weeknights spent studying. Unfortunately, medical studies show binge drinking, even once a week, causes more serious health problems than having one drink a day. Some effects include endangering your brain, which is very important in your education plans.

You may think you’re the life of the party, but many of the kids you drink with are seeing you totally out of control and may be looking at you sideways. It may look to them like you already have a serious drinking problem.

Why are you doing this? There’s a chance you’re subconsciously imitating the dad you feel you’ve lost. No doubt you miss him, particularly when he isn’t in your home creating problems. By drinking hard, you may be subconsciously saying, “Hey Dad, I’m just like you!” But that’s not going to bring him back, or heal the rift between your parents. By the way, are you studying hard so you can go away to university and be near your father? Are you trying to make it up to him?

You need to understand that the problems in your parents marriage were not about you — a young boy. Dad’s leaving the family might have had more to do with his drinking behaviours — the ones you never saw or heard about.

It’s time to check out Alcoholics Anonymous (aamanitoba.org) and test yourself. You need to find out where you are on the drinking scale. There are groups within AA for young people in drinking trouble, and nobody needs to know you are part of them unless you tell them. Other supports for you? A school counsellor could help with your complicated family life, so make an appointment to see someone now. You’re questioning your behaviour related to alcohol, and that’s a positive sign you may want to explore how to make some changes. You only have one body and one brain, and you can’t afford to spiral into alcohol abuse and lose those gifts.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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