Enlist a sibling to address parental rudeness

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This article was published 18/04/2023 (1251 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My parents are particularly adept at taking the wind out of my sails. Despite growing up in a house where people yelled a lot and laughed at education, I managed to make something of myself. As a result, I recently got an amazing new job, and after getting my first-ever new furniture, I invited my parents and siblings over for dinner.

My mom and dad spent the entire night denigrating me, insulting my furniture choices, my clothes, the food and everything else you can imagine inside an apartment. They said I’d developed an “attitude,” when I asked them to stop being so rude.

When they left, I just cried. Is it wrong to tell your parents to stop coming by, even just for a while? I don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of it and it hurts.

— Disappointed Daughter, Exchange District

Dear Disappointed: Rather than having the folks over again soon, send a message through a sibling about why they haven’t been getting a repeat invitation. A brother or sister can often give it straight to the parents, when you can’t yourself.

If it comes directly from you, some tears and a scene are likely to make things even worse. Many a family rift has been healed by a sibling giving the parents the straight goods, instead.

The folks might not break down and apologize to you, but they won’t make the mistake of criticizing your new purchases and your decorating tastes again.

Be aware that they might not really dislike your new purchases, but are embarrassed because they couldn’t provide you with nice, new things when you lived at home with them. However, that doesn’t excuse their rudeness!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just remarried and I think I’ve made another huge mistake. In my mid-20s, after my first marriage broke up, I spent a lot of time living on my own and getting used to my own routine. But, after meeting a woman who both made me laugh and held me while I cried (and through a whole lot more), I decided I wanted to get married to her. It was to be my second wedding, but it just felt right. So, we got married.

Ever since we tied the knot, she’s become rude and insensitive. Lately, she seems to expect me to just hand over money whenever she demands it, like I’ve seen her mother do with her husband.

What compels people to suddenly act this way? How could she just change like that? I could never do that to a person. I feel tricked.

— Married Again and It’s Scary, Westwood

Dear Married Again: One of the big mistakes people make coming out of bad marriages is to tell their new mates-to-be what they once put up with.

Of course, the new person can’t help but file that away. Some of them vow they would never stoop do doing those nasty things to you — and don’t. But, others just give it a little time, and then start pulling the same sort of tricks.

Your best move now would be to point out what’s been happening, and to note you are not afraid of getting a second divorce if need be — and much more quickly this time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend has a real temper and my friends are starting to tell me to end things. He’s such a charmer, and I love him deeply, but sometimes he scares me.

He didn’t used to be this way, but he’s become possessive, and yells at me sometimes in front of people now. Recently, he’s yelled at a couple of my girlfriends too.

The other night I made fun of him “screaming like a girl” as a joke, and he freaked out. He screamed at me until my ears hurt, and wouldn’t talk to me for a day. Still, I must tell you, I can’t imagine life without him. He can be so much fun and be so loving, and he’s so good in bed.

We’re living together, but I’m losing my friends. I also worry he might one day get even more angry, and hit me. I need an outside opinion.

— Terribly Confused, Age 21, Winnipeg

Dear Terribly Confused: You have all the information needed to know you must get out of this relationship, fast.

This man is verbally violent and he’s even yelling at people around you. Why? He wants to get rid of the people who would convince you to run.

The verbal lashings are getting worse, and the next step is striking you. Get out and apologize to your friends for what he’s done to them.

Also, promise them you’re going to get counselling right away. Consider Women’s Health Clinic (womenshealthclinic.org) or Klinic (klinic.mb.ca) as possible starting points.

Don’t continue with this guy. He’s an abuser, and it will only get worse for you the longer you stay. It doesn’t matter what he’s been through in his life! That is not an excuse, though he will try to use it. You need to get away from him now, and stay away.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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