Son’s work duplicity comes at critical crossroad

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This article was published 22/07/2023 (1160 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out from my younger son that his brother, now 17, just got fired from the summer job he hated, and has been keeping it from me! That wasn’t hard to do, as I’m a medical professional, relatively recently divorced and working full-time days.

When pressed, my youngest said his brother had been “partying” with friends instead of going to work. I asked him what he meant by the word “party.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes. I ran up to his brother’s room to search, and found condoms, alcohol and pot. I phoned their father and he said, “You think you’re a better parent than I am, so why don’t you deal with it?” Then he hung up.

He’s already with another woman, and they have a baby together. He says he doesn’t “have time” to participate in parenting our kids who are “old enough to look after themselves.”

What does he know? All he does is take them out for occasional burgers and buy them expensive guilt gifts on their birthdays. I’m lost as to what to do. My son may need punishing, but I’m not here to police his behaviour.

— Upset Divorced Mom, East Kildonan

Dear Upset: This is an important crossroad, and punishment may not be the best answer. Instead, give your son help while he’s still under your roof. First, he needs a new part-time job better suited to his personality and interests, and one that he works throughout the year. Sit down and help him with the search. Teach him how to successfully fill out applications, write resumés and cover letters that will excite interest, and secure references.

Also, start compiling a side list of every kind of work/career field that might interest him when he’s finished high school. Ask him: “What are your dreams?” Perhaps he’s been thinking he isn’t allowed to have dreams in his family situation. Show him that isn’t true. Get the latest university and college calendars to show him. Also, contact guidance counsellors at his school about helping him do career aptitude tests.

If you show him the route to being successful in the working world, and prove to him you will always be there to help him, it won’t matter so much if their dad fizzles out on the active parenting.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just learned my husband has been sneaking cigarettes for the last few months after we tried so hard to help him quit. He had quit for about six months and now claims his work is stressing him out so much, he just had to start again.

Yeah, right. I’m mostly mad because he’s been lying to me. How do I help him see this as a trust thing?

— Married to a Smoking Liar, Windsor Park

Dear Married: The situation with your husband is more than a trust issue. You really don’t want him smoking up the house, your shared vehicles and your lungs! However, your policing and shaming is hurting your love relationship, and another failed round of this dispute could be far worse for it. It’s time to stop doing more of what doesn’t work.

If you don’t want to end up being divorced from a smoking liar, maybe you could cut a deal to have a small room (possibly in the basement or the garage if it’s heated) become the “smoking den,” like they had in Victorian times. This is certainly not a perfect solution, but it’s something to consider.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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