Time to limit pool privileges to all-weather pals

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This article was published 19/08/2023 (1127 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a single-again guy who got the house with the pool in my divorce. It has been a big attraction for fair-weather friends the last couple of years. They’re eager to come over in June before the peak summer holiday weeks, and then go missing in early July. They start calling me again in late August, when they miss partying by the water… and my pool will do.

I’m just guessing they don’t invite me to anything at their cottages or lake rentals because I have my own puddle, er, pool?

I’d like to know how to handle “buddies” who are starting to call up again, obviously looking for invitations. I thought of telling them my pool is “under repair” though that’d be a lie.

— Unwilling Host, Winnipeg

Dear Unwilling: Explain to these users you’ll only be having people over to repay them for having you to their pools or cabins, and there’s not much time left! That’ll introduce them to the idea of give-and-take. When they start stuttering, just say, “Thanks for calling, though. Give me a call in a few weeks when you want to go out and do something.” Say it in a pleasant voice, to confuse them. You’re not being totally antagonistic, you’re just telling them what’d work better for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a middle-aged woman and have had very good relationships with co-workers for the last 20 years. I’m always the one that people come to when they’re having personal or work problems, especially one good friend I consider like a brother.

Yesterday he asked me to meet him for drinks, to catch up. Everything was normal until he was leaving, and he said, “Don’t tell anybody we met for drinks.” Then he added to make especially sure not to tell the woman who works under him. I was taken aback, but agreed. He came to my desk today, and joked around like normal.

Another co-worker asked me to stop by her cabin on the long weekend, but then said, “But only if my husband isn’t there! Text when you want to come, and I’ll let you know if it’s OK.”

Finally — and this really did it — my caretaker who tells me daily about her problems and says I’m like a sister to her, just said to me, “Let’s go for dinner, but we’ll have to meet outside the neighbourhood. I don’t want any of the other tenants to know how close we are.”

I feel like everyone’s dirty little secret! My friendships have privacy conditions. Is this my life, to only have conditional friendships?

— Hurt and Embarrassed, Silver Heights

Dear Hurt: Don’t take offence too quickly, as these are not really insults. You’re a special intimate kind of friend who can converse on a deep level with people. They will cross usual “lines” because they really want to be closer with you.

It’s time to expand your friendships, to include other people who don’t need you as a free counsellor.

As for your girlfriend with the cabin, that’s a different situation. Cabins are known for not having thick walls. She wants to have intimate girlfriend talks and laughs with you, but not if her nosy husband is listening in, as she’ll likely be discussing him at times. How can planning for that situation be an insult to you?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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