Plenty to unpack after snooping in mate’s suitcase

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This article was published 24/08/2023 (1122 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband just came back from yet another suspicious trip to Toronto “on business.” He was in the bedroom unpacking, when his phone rang and there was “an emergency at his work.” He literally ran out the door and jumped back into his car.

I’d been very curious why he’d been locking his suitcase on these trips back and forth to Toronto. When I saw it left open, I had to peek.

Imagine my shock when I discovered extra-large black lace female lingerie, and a makeup bag. I am a tiny woman.

I threw it back into the suitcase, where I found it. Now I don’t know what to think or do.

Either he’s having an affair with a large woman who would wear such clothes, or he’s cross-dressing when he’s out of town. I don’t know which is worse.

My life, as I know it, may be over. What will I tell the children?

— Shocked Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Shocked: You can’t unsee what you saw. You’re going to have to talk to your husband about it. However, you should first think over the possible scenarios.

Some men just get a kick out of wearing women’s underwear secretly and travelling would be a good time to do that. That’s not necessarily a marriage-breaker.

But it’s also possible what you found has to do with outfits worn with another partner, male or female.

Ask him about this when there’s no one else in the house. Send the children to Grandma’s or a close friend’s, as they shouldn’t hear the upsetting conversation.

Then, to make sense of things and figure out what you’re going to do, you and/or your husband might talk with a psychologist or an open-minded marriage counsellor.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I don’t feel it’s wise to tell people to leave their house if they’re unhappy in a marriage or if there has been infidelity. Tell them to talk to a lawyer before doing anything, unless they’re in real danger.

“Abandonment” of a partner can be bad. Married or not, if they cohabited, it has to be done right, or they might lose out in any settlement.

Separation and divorce are expensive enough. Your option of leaving the home might be great after they speak to a lawyer, but not before. Sleep in another room or on the couch, but don’t leave until that is done.

Couples should also know they can form their own separation agreement, if they can divide things fairly, and they can have it set up before they go to their respective lawyers, as long as there are no kids involved. Templates can be found online. They just need their own lawyer to make it all legal.

— One Who Knows, Winnipeg

Dear One Who Knows: It’s better to see a lawyer before leaving a mate, except in the instances where women — and sometimes men — are being abused physically and emotionally.

In those cases, they may not have the choice of sleeping in a room away from their abuser, and could be beaten up even more seriously.

In general, the extremely controlling spouse manages the couples’ money, and also controls where their mate goes, and in some cases, even who they talk to. Still, a secret phone call for legal advice would be better than nothing.

Sadly for some people, fleeing to a friend or relative right away may be the safest thing they can do, as they can’t wait around until something really dire happens to them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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