Ponder whether you want to fight for family’s respect

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This article was published 04/12/2023 (1036 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend comes from another country and we have many cultural differences, but we love each other a lot. Marriage has come up lately and there’s a problem regarding his family, even though I can speak his language quite well. (He’s not the first guy I’ve dated from this culture!)

His family didn’t mind me as a temporary girlfriend, but lately things have gotten more serious and they know it. My boyfriend told me (all embarrassed) his father took him aside recently and said, “I hope you’re not thinking of marrying this girl. She’s just a ‘fun girl,’ isn’t she?”

My boyfriend told his father, “I love this girl, and she’s much more than a fun girl to me, so don’t use that expression again!” His father clammed up, and has said nothing about it since.

Still, the seed has now been planted that I’m not getting the dad’s stamp of approval. I’m not happy at being labelled a girl you just have sex with, but wouldn’t consider marrying. I don’t like his father now, and he obviously doesn’t respect me!

Is it a mistake to marry someone whose parent thinks this way? I have no intention of putting myself into a situation where I’m treated like a second-class citizen, but I do love my boyfriend and think I would like to marry him, if things were good. Please advise.

— No ‘Fun Girl,’ St. Boniface

Dear No ‘Fun Girl’: First you need to figure out if this relationship is worth fighting for. Ask yourself if this man of yours is mature and protective enough for a cross-cultural marriage. He really shouldn’t have told you what his father called you!

Instead, he should have stood up to his father and straightened him out. Marriage between cultures can be difficult, but it’s far less so if both marital partners correct the naysayers immediately, and protect one another from the hurtful comments they hear.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have gradually lost my old set of friends because they all have babies and toddlers and my husband and I are not looking to have any children except for our dogs, cat and birds.

The time I really feel left out of what I call “the Family Game” is when we’re back with my husband’s curling buddies or at somebody’s house for dinner, and their wives and kids are all there. I’m the odd one out when the women sit around talking babies with kids on their laps.

The other day, the most insensitive one said to me, quite impatiently, “If you can’t have kids, you could still adopt, you know?”

I finally lost it. I said loudly, “You think I don’t know that?” Then I grabbed my purse and went out to the car, leaving my husband there. Somebody brought him home shortly after, and it was like World War III.

Why? I don’t want to see these women and their perfect little babies anymore!

He’s upset with me for being a spoilsport, as this curling group does everything in couples. The next move is up to me, and I desperately need some direction.

— Childless, Fort Richmond

Dear Childless: Your husband can still curl with these guys, and go for refreshments with the wife-and-family gang at somebody’s house. He doesn’t really need his wife to be part of that after-sports party. However, he could cut back somewhat on the usual post-game party hours, and zip over to pick you up for a cosy dinner, and then fill you in on the match.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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