Opening things up officially may ease tension

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This article was published 15/02/2024 (962 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I decided a few weeks back that I should move on from my on-again/off-again sex partner. I wouldn’t call him a boyfriend, but he helps me through the lonely periods when my older husband is away on business trips.

That’s a lot of the time — especially in the months following the new year. I should mention my husband and I have no kids — and don’t want them.

My younger man is not a better sex partner than my husband, but at least he’s here and really likes me. He is also not a more loving man than my husband — but he holds me when I’m sad and have no one.

My husband and I had such a good Christmas together I was about to give my young man a big goodbye, but I held off.

Then I found out through some snooping that my husband has a special woman right now — just one. That somehow hurts more than if he had a few casual girlfriends.

Now I’m in the strange situation of still loving my husband, though I’ve lost faith in our relationship lasting. Is it time to say goodbye to him now, or am I rushing things?

— Crying Again, Charleswood

Dear Crying: You will know when it’s time to say goodbye, because it will hurt too much to stay married. But right now, it may be the time to talk to your husband about a more open and transparent arrangement on both sides.

Also consider this possibility: Perhaps your husband has known for some time about your fill-in lover, and he hasn’t said anything because he also has an enjoyable partner to see when you’re away from each other for extended times. It may be he’s quite jealous of your other man at home.

This could be a situation where you finally need to work out an open relationship where you can both quietly see another person when you have to be apart for extended times. That doesn’t mean you sit around and discuss your casual partners, but you tolerate them in the background. Either that, or you’ll need to wish each other well and finally say goodbye.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I‘m a sporty guy and if I had my way, I’d come home from work, get changed and go off to the hockey or curling rink every day of the week. I used to do that before I started seeing the love of my life (her term), who says she wants more of me than the “leftovers.” Not an appealing picture.

I often get home between nine and 10 at night and make it over to her place for some quick sex and then fall right to sleep. She says I snore, which makes it more insulting to her somehow.

This morning she said, “Something’s got to change with this. I’ve about had it!”

I remember what it was like before I had a real girlfriend — no sex, no love — and I don’t like that thought. But what can I do, when my teams really need me?

— Sports Devotee, West End

Dear Devotee: Think of your girlfriend as one of the sports in your life. You’re not even honouring her with regular practice sessions, although you might have enough energy to score in “the big game” once or twice a week.

Look, there’s much more to a relationship than good sex and the sparky feelings it engenders. Maybe you need to let this woman go, since you can’t imagine cutting back on your multiple sports practices and games every week.

It’s not fair to her, and you know that.

Once she’s gone, you may be able to sort out how much you value keeping a steady girlfriend right now. It may be a lot more than you realized, or you might find you’re so busy and happy with your various sports that you don’t notice the lack of a steady mate all that much.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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