Explicit video of mate and ex demands explanation

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This article was published 29/02/2024 (909 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently found a video on my boyfriend’s computer of him having sex with an ex-girlfriend. I lost it! I confronted him, and he said it “didn’t mean anything” to him, but obviously it must, since he’s been holding on to it.

I even know who this woman is, which makes it worse. I don’t know if he misses her, or if he’s celebrating a past “win” or something. I’m totally upset by him still having it. I don’t want my friends to find out, so I need help! Do I stay or go?

— Disappointed, Grant Park

Dear Disappointed: If you kept an old video of yourself and an ex-boyfriend having sex, would it mean you were still missing him? Not necessarily. People often keep “romance records” — as in photos, videos, hot letters and erotic poems written to them. Some keepsakes they may even have forgotten about, because that person means so little to them now.

Some are kept as “prizes” — testaments to colourful old relationships, and in some cases, a reminder of what a hottie they once were, or thought they were! In fact, many people, in relationships, from shaky to good, still have a secret stash of photos and videos with ex partners — and they may even dig them up when their egos have just taken a beating.

It’s a worse situation for a relatively new partner like you, especially if they’re kept handy. It’s possible the keeper may be carrying a torch, and may still send private messages to exes for casual ego boosts.

Should you stay or go? Postpone that decision until you find out what that personal sex video means to your boyfriend, and if he still intends to keep it around. If he wants it more than he wants you, then it may be time to start walking.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to the letter from “Missing Family Ties.” It struck a nerve! You tried to offer the writer some ways to get her family to like her longtime science-nerd boyfriend.

This young woman says she and her partner have “wildly” different interests and opposite personalities. Those are not disqualifying qualities for a successful relationship, but she admits she initiated the romantic relationship and they are now merely “friends with benefits.” And beyond that, they merely share careers in science.

She says their mutual respect for their science careers is basically the glue that keeps them together. That is not the bond that will hold them together in a marriage, should she continue with a man who is a “one-love-at-a-time” guy. Science and his buddies will always come first.

Our daughter could not look beyond such a guy. The things he did before their marriage were somewhat “endearing” to her in the moment — kind of like the desire to rescue birds and critters the writer so admires in her man. However, those endearing things wore thin very quickly and her marriage ended — 2 1/2 years and two children later!

We, as a family, saw the writing on the wall, as does this woman’s family, but their daughter isn’t listening. She needs to open her eyes to what her family is sharing with her. It will save her a very expensive divorce one day, and the anguish she will be living in, along with the damage this may cause to her family relationships.

Run, young lady!

— Been There, Winnipeg

Dear Been There: It’s painful to watch helplessly as a daughter chases after a partner you know will never love her deeply. And when that hard-to-get partner is in love with his career, it can be totally confusing to the poor woman who wants him.

She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand the competition for his love doesn’t have to be another human being.

It’s hard as a parent to point out those ugly truths without distancing your offspring from you. The trick is to hang in there as support. When that indifferent partner finally moves on, you want to still be allowed to provide love, comfort and closeness.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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