There are ways to marry family life and career

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This article was published 03/04/2024 (916 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Some of my family and friends think my husband is a strange duck. All he wants to do is to stay home and make a beautiful life for us, and I welcome him to do that. In fact, I love it.

He cooks, bakes and cleans, does the laundry and even irons. I work long days in a professional field and make enough money to support us.

But now we have a problem.

Although my guy promised not to do this, he’s putting pressure on me to have a baby.

I wouldn’t mind having a child in the house, plus my husband would handle most of the child care from the beginning, but I don’t want to go through a pregnancy in order to get us one.

I have suggested adoption, and he says if I didn’t want to have a baby myself we should consider surrogacy so the baby would be related to us by blood.

This was not the bargain when we married. I was OK with his style of being married, with me working and him at home, but I told him from the start I did not want to be pregnant for nine months and take on a lot of the child care afterwards.

He was quiet about it and fine with it then, but now he’s not. My career means the world to me right now and I can’t just take a break for the first years of a baby’s life.

So my husband and I are stuck right now — still in love, but stuck.

I have been bouncing around his idea about a surrogate pregnancy with some other woman carrying our baby, but it looks difficult. We don’t know anybody who would want to do something like that. Please help.

— In Love, But Stuck, Winnipeg

Dear Stuck: People can’t pay women to be surrogates in Canada, but they can pay for pregnancy-related expenses.

If two people want a child and there’s someone who wants to carry it for them as a surrogate (often a sister or somebody else closely related) that project can sometimes work out.

But be careful. It doesn’t sound like you’re excited to have a child at this point, though you might just fall right in love with the baby, who is a combination of you and your husband, and surprise yourself.

Consider getting some counselling around this important issue now, before making any moves.

By the way, there are many ways to ease the discomfort of early parenting if you have the financial means. For instance, to help you sleep so you could still work in the daytime, you might consider hiring an overnight nurse, although it sounds like your husband would be up for the role.

And COVID taught us how people can work from home, even if it’s only part of the time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I broke up with my girlfriend several times when I needed to get an important point across. We are a lesbian couple. She smartened up, and we made up each time. The relationship just got better and better. In fact, she’s not drinking and gambling at all anymore, and now she wants us to get married. Gulp.

I’m quite happy the way things are. We have already given each other rings and have sworn to be true to each other. Why the need to make it legal? She said last night that if I didn’t love her enough to marry her, I should leave. How does that make sense?

— Why the Formality? North End

Dear Why Formality: You were just fine to use several painful breakups as bargaining chips to stop your girlfriend’s drinking problem. No one can blame you for that, but now you’re drawing the line when she wants something that’s very important to her — a wedding and a marriage. Why are you doing this? Could it be that deep down, you don’t really love this woman as much as you say? You were quite able to break up with her in the past. Was it because it didn’t hurt you that much?

It’s time to commit to her or let her find someone else who does love her enough for the formal marriage she wants.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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