Be constructive in helping stuck son leave nest

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This article was published 11/04/2024 (911 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: One of my sons has been living at home since failing to graduate high school. He has worked for me at my business and elsewhere for six years now, and is currently bartending a few nights a week.

My wife and I have asked him to move out, but he has a fear of being homeless and is reluctant to leave.

I don’t think him living under our roof any longer is good for any of us. He likes to play video games all night and sleep all day. I can’t seem to convince him that this is unsustainable behaviour, that the rest of the world works 40 hours a week or more.

He just seems to think the world is unfair to expect more of him, and I can’t convince him the world owes him nothing.

I want him to grow up and “leave the nest,” so to speak, to be independent and have a life for himself, but I can’t motivate him to be better or to want more for himself. I’m at a loss.

He has a lot of debt and he’s using that as an excuse not to go. I think if he stays at home he’ll only rack up more debt. How do I get my kid to launch? I don’t care if he becomes a doctor or lawyer, I just want him to want some kind of a life for himself. Twenty hours of work a week is not a career, no matter what job he picks.

— Desperate Dad, Winnipeg

Dear Desperate Dad: Leaving home might be the last big lesson you need to teach your son, as his parent. But you really need to do it! If he fritters away too much time in his 20s, eventually he’ll have feelings of regret and even resentment towards you for letting him stay in the nest so long.

Before nudging him out, career counselling and aptitude-testing are two gifts you could give him. When he finds a career goal that interests him, he may finally become interested in further education and working to get it.

Another thing your son needs is financial counselling to address his list of unpaid debts — with full disclosure and a “clean-up plan” that works. Be helpful, not derisive.

Try to lead your son, versus shaming him into doing the right thing. Then his adult life outside the home can be seen as an adventure with challenges to conquer, instead of scary abandonment.

Yes, you could help your son with a little more money to get him launched, but the most helpful thing will be helping him gain problem-solving skills and helping him see how proactive behaviours make a young person into a successful adult.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a bachelor in my late 40s. I’ve had lots of girlfriends but was never married because I was never deeply in love.

I recently gave my girlfriend a diamond engagement ring I bought at an antique sale. I know my woman doesn’t like it because she’s refusing to wear it.

The ring is somewhat old-fashioned and ornate with an extra-large diamond. The original owner must have been so proud of that sparkling ring. Now it’s just sitting in my girlfriend’s house, in the case with red-velvet lining.

We haven’t broken up, but things are strange and quiet — no apology from her yet. What should I do now? Does this mean we’re not meant for each other, or is she just being stubborn and wants a different ring?

— Bewildered, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Bewildered: It may be this diamond ring is destined to live in its red-velvet resting place, and you need to accept that.

An engagement ring is not supposed to be about someone else. It should symbolize the start of a new brightly shining love with someone you want as your partner.

You and your mate really need to talk about your relationship before it dissolves. If you decide to stay together and get married, ask her to come with you and pick out a new ring that reflects her taste so she can wear it happily.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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