Avoid limbo between stodgy folks, brash girlfriend

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/07/2024 (810 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend grew up being able to dive naked off their family’s pier — with no neighbours living nearby, and only the occasional canoe paddling by. I should have known better than to take her home to my uptight family without warning her.

It was uncomfortably hot outside when we arrived at the cottage. So my girlfriend said a pleasant hello to my folks and everybody at the cottage and I took her right down to see the beautiful waterfront. After a couple minutes, she just stripped off and dived in — and there she was in the water, naked and beautiful.

I heard somebody wolf-whistling from the woods near the deck. It was my younger brother — just what he’d do, the little jerk.

When she and I came back to the cabin, my mother abruptly took me aside and told me to advise my new girlfriend she had to wear a swimsuit around here. Then she handed me a spare one of hers saying, “I think this should fit her. See that she puts it on, right away.”

I did that, but my girlfriend said, and not very quietly, ”Well, this is embarrassing. Keep your mother’s stupid suit! I think I’ve already had enough of your family. I want to go home now, and I’ll meet you in the car.”

We left minutes later. It was an uncomfortable ride all the way home, and now she’s not taking my calls. So what happened that was such a big deal she had to go all the way home like that, and dump me?

— Shocked at What Happened, East Kildonan

Dear Shocked: It’s not surprising your new girlfriend insisted on heading home. You didn’t stand up to your family members on her behalf.

First, your brother disrespected your girlfriend by wolf-whistling at her dive into the water. Then you delivered a warning from your mother, holding a proper bathing suit in your hands for her to wear — one of your mother’s own suits. This is not the kind of family a free spirit wants to be part of.

With the rest of the weekend yawning ahead, it probably seemed intolerable to her. You need to learn to weigh what is said to you by your parents, and make decisions that respect your female friends, as well as your folks.

A more mature son would have said to his mother. “I have three people’s feelings to respect here — yours, mine and my girlfriend’s. Hold on to this ‘respectable’ bathing suit, while I talk to my girlfriend about what we want to do.” Also, you need to talk to your younger brother — the little twerp — about his rudeness to your guest!

Bottom Line? You need to find a more conservative girlfriend who wouldn’t dream of swimming naked off a pier, or else you need to assert your new liberal thoughts and feelings with your family. Good luck with that!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my 40s and until recently I was a very happy stepmom to two children I loved as my own. I was with their father for the better part of a decade and he didn’t want more children and I was more than happy to be raising “our” beautiful kids.

Well, after nearly 10 years, he left me, and it was ugly! I got terribly upset when he informed me he wanted to be “free” to see other people! We had a huge row and he stormed out. He came back and took the kids to live with their bio-mother, while he found a private new place.

I’m sitting at home crying, as I type this. I lost my whole family in a space of hours. One night we were a happy family unit. The next day I was suddenly single and childless — and middle-aged. I have made so many permanent decisions for this man. Then one day he decides he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

I haven’t seen the children since, and my ex won’t answer his phone! The kids are not old enough to make custody decisions on their own. And since I’m not their parent, I don’t think I have automatic visitation rights — as far as I’m aware.

Their biological mother couldn’t be happier! She never liked me seeing her kids acting like my own, but they’re just so sweet I couldn’t help but fall in love with them. Having said that, she really isn’t big on motherhood and child-rearing, except for occasional visits — plus she’s a big drinker.

It’s so unfair! My little family with him and the kids was my whole world — and now it has been ripped away from me. Please help!

— Broken-Hearted Stepmom, Winnipeg

Dear Broken-Hearted Step-Mom: This will not be the first time a woman in your situation has had children she was raising as a loving parent figure suddenly ripped away. The children may already be missing you but can’t make contact.

You need to see an affordable family lawyer, ASAP. If you can’t afford a lawyer on your own, contact Legal Aid Manitoba (legalaid.mb.ca) and enlist their expert affordable help. There are reasons the children were staying with their father as the primary caregiver — ranging from their mother’s disinterest in raising them to lack of funds, drinking and possible negligence.

You also need to find out what has happened from the children’s point of view and about how they’re being treated now. Your lawyer could also help with that. Be aware that the kids may still be in the honeymoon phase of their biological mother caring for them full-time, and things could still be pretty good right now. However, that might wear out fairly quickly, especially if bio-Mom is drinking these days.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography