Don’t waste your words on cruel, gossipy ‘friend’

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/12/2024 (658 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to be the life of the party, dancing the weekends away with my best friends at different clubs and house parties. What a fun life.

Then, five years ago, I developed a painful condition — with a rash that covers my face and body. At its worst, this mysterious disease can feel like acid being thrown on me.

At first, I thought it would be a short time before the doctor figured things out. Well, it’s years later and still no luck. During this time, friends have stopped calling to invite me out and have moved on with their fun lives.

One yappy mate said I’m vain for not wanting to come out and that all I ever cared about was my looks.

I was good-looking, but I didn’t think much about it.

Now I hear that talkative “friend” has been the person to spread this misinformation about me — turning people I considered my friends away from me.

My life has changed to a lonely existence. I tried to talk with her about the impact of her gossip, but she hung up after telling me she had heard enough and that I should go cry on someone else’s shoulder because all I do is complain and blame the world.

I’m heartbroken. How can she be so mean? I want to write her a long message or letter so my words are totally understood. Should I?

— Itching to Write, central Manitoba

Dear Itching: She’s already heard your words and twisted them. If you try to set the record straight, your explanation isn’t going to impact her — because she’s guilty. To defend herself, she might even just tell your other friends she got a crazy letter from you and you’re losing it — and they should cut you off.

Want to tell her off effectively? Do it quickly on the phone reading from short point-form notes. Tell her this is your final conversation. Most of the friends who surround you two will be aware of her cruel mouth and not hold it against you, so get your anger out.

Then it’s time to move on. You really need interests that bring new friends your way. Look for gentler people virtually on discussion forums and in hobby, arts and music groups. Ending this nasty friendship will be freeing for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a sweetheart, but she has wandering eyes. She isn’t sneaky enough to hide it. She gawks at everybody and points out good-looking people for me to look at, too,

As a joke last summer, I bought my little spy a pair of expensive binoculars. Now she’s been wearing them out — it’s the best gift she ever got. She even takes them in the car and turns them on interesting people she sees outside. She’s wacky, but I love her.

So we didn’t get ourselves in trouble, I tried to take her bird-watching, but it’s just hot-looking humans she wants to spy on.

Now that it’s getting dark early and people turn their interior lights on sooner, she’s been aiming them out our bedroom window to see what neighbours are up to, especially a young couple, around our age.

Last week the husband nailed me in the lane we share, with this comment: “Tell your wife she should turn off the lights behind her when she’s using her binoculars on our bedroom window.”

Gulp. I said nothing. I went into the house quickly and told my wife. She just laughed and said, “Tell him to close his curtains if they don’t like it.”

It’s been a week and he and his wife still aren’t closing their bedroom curtains. Is that an invitation to get to know each other better? What’s happening here?

— Bedroom Spy, River Heights

Dear Bedroom Spy: Just because the neighbour and his wife aren’t pulling their bedroom curtains closed after dark, that doesn’t mean it’s an invitation that they want you two to come over to “play.” They’ve probably just decided to tell you visually they don’t give a hoot what you two can see and they’ll do whatever they want. Also, they’re likely implying — correctly — that it’s your wife’s invasive behaviour that should change, not theirs.

I seriously doubt your neighbour was doing anything other than clearly letting you know he and his wife are onto your wife’s peeping and he shouldn’t have to tell you any more to put a stop to the behaviour. People are entitled to their privacy, and you really shouldn’t push this any further.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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