Don’t disrespect ailing grandma with fake truce

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This article was published 30/11/2024 (660 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My grandmother is ill and her final wish is for her two sons to stop the war between them and become friends again. They were very close when they were growing up.

Grandpa died young, many years ago, and his sons inherited his business at too young an age. In the end, they lost the business, mostly over my dad’s terrible sales abilities.

Grandma is probably not going to make it past Christmas and her last wish is not likely going to come true in this lifetime unless the two boys go to the hospital and fake a truce to make their mom feel at peace.

What do you think?

— Wishing Gram Could Die Happy, southwestern Manitoba

Dear Wishing: If someone could broker a real peace between these brothers before their mother dies that would certainly be worth doing. But to play-act and try to fool someone who is near the end is just plain disrespectful.

A dying person may not be able to say much when close relatives come to see them, but are often aware of a lot more than you think — and are past being fooled with nonsense.

If the two warring sons could see fit to go to the hospital together, their mom could be informed they’re both there and would like to see her. She might have some important truths she wants to impart to them.

That would be a more respectful way to deal with your grandma in her last weeks — far better than play-acting a truce that doesn’t exist. She might just choose to talk to each of her sons privately and peacefully knowing there isn’t time to fix anything, and that should be her choice.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This morning my husband was pretending to still be asleep, facing the wall by our bed. I asked him about the phone calls I keep getting on our landline in the kitchen — the heavy breathing and the hang ups.

He said, “You’re imagining things again. You’re crazy. You need a shrink.” I told him I thought he had a girlfriend again, and he replied by saying I was nuts.

I’ve been through all this with him before. He lies about other women and tells me I don’t know what I’m seeing and hearing, and says there’s something wrong with my head.

I need out and to get far away from this liar, but I’ve been a stay-at-home mom and have no real job training. The kids will have two more years at home, at the least. What can I do?

— Married to a Liar, Winnipeg

Dear Married to Liar: Your husband is gaslighting you — a form of emotional abuse where a person tries to make you doubt yourself and what you actually see, hear and experience.

His inflated ego makes him behave confidently when he’s contradicting what you know for certain to be true. He’ll label you “crazy” and act all righteous.

You need to step out of this loop. Start by seeing your physician for a referral to a psychiatrist, which is covered under provincial health. Gaslighting will be quite familiar to these professionals.

In the end, you’ll need a combination of therapy and career prep to get free of this manipulative marriage, gain financial independence and get your life on a happier track.

A prime goal for you right now must be some financial independence, so start looking for a full- or part-time job, to start. The long-term plan includes getting the kids on a post-secondary educational path or into careers, while thinking of yourself as well. You are just as important, and still have a long life to live.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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