Constant contact with ex counterproductive

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This article was published 02/04/2025 (474 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Here’s how I fell off the Ferris wheel of love. I rode quickly to the top of it last summer with my new guy. We loved getting to know each other and learning how to please each other, making love every night. Plus, I thought I was helping him heal his wounds from a recent breakup he said was hard on him.

I had never been so happy with a guy. I thought it was turning into a lasting relationship for us, but after our wonderful summer, I got a terrible shock. His old girlfriend moved back to the city and started calling him, as if they were still together. Then I found out what was really going on and where she lived — with my boyfriend’s grandmother.

I lost it and yelled at him. I wanted to know why she would be there, of all places.

He said she’d found out she was pregnant with their child, and my boyfriend’s family took her in. I hit the roof. Suddenly nothing good was happening between us and I broke up with him. What a terrible situation.

Months have passed now, and I just heard my boyfriend and her got married, are living together and she had the baby. The problem is I still love him. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant and dragged him back it would have been him and me forever, I just know it.

I shouldn’t call him ever again, but last night I did. I asked if he ever really loved me, and he said it was the beginning of love, but it nothing as deep as what he has with his wife. He said she left him because he was immature and wasn’t faithful, but he has changed since then.

It sounded like a rehearsed speech to me.

Now what? I can’t help calling him, but he keeps answering my texts. I’m finding it’s too hard to just be his phone friend. If he doesn’t want me, why does he still talk to me?

— Still Loving Him, West Kildonan

Dear Loving Him: You think he doesn’t know he’s hurting you? He knows, but he figures it’s your problem to handle. Some men crave adoring female attention and this is a guy who has trouble being faithful at the best of times.

How do you think his wife would feel if she knew he was back talking with his summer love of 2024?

This guy is a waste of time, so stop calling him and stroking his ego. That’s what a phone call is for him.

Summer 2025 will be here in a few months and you need to be healed and ready to enjoy it.

A few months of counselling could set you back on your feet emotionally so you’ll be in shape to enjoy a totally new guy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to work in a country that had always fascinated me and fell in love with it — France.

I’m a shy guy until people get to know me, so it can be tough when it comes to dating, but just before I was ready to move back to Canada, I met this amazing woman, and we fell in love. What should I do next?

She thinks I’m adorable but she doesn’t want to live away from Paris.

— Missing My Love, Winnipeg

Dear Missing My Love: Things are a little shaky right now in the world. Ask your sweet Parisienne if she would like to come to Canada to visit when things settle down and that you’ll be happy to fly her over.

It may be a big flop and you’ll both feel OK with letting each other go for good, but it might be amazingly good, and you’ll keep visiting back and forth.

After a while you might come to the conclusion you need to be together for good, even if not residing in the same location.

Take heart — there is a middle ground. Not all lovers in this world need to live together and be married, and there are people who have had overseas love partners for years and years, successfully.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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