You didn’t miss alarming cues; you tuned them out

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: By early August, my wife — a teacher like me — always gets sick of our cottage and heads back to the city by herself. We have no kids, so I stay up at the lake alone, and make paintings of our beautiful lake.

She doesn’t even want to have sex with me anymore, and I don’t know why — she hasn’t for a very long time. I suspected something was going on, back in town. This year, she left to go home on Aug. 1. I did a lot of hard thinking for the following two nights. Then, I got in my car at dawn and drove home, arriving just before 8 a.m. There was a car in the driveway — my wife’s best friend’s sports car.

I walked into the house, I called my wife’s name loudly and heard a lot of scurrying. My wife’s visitor was hiding in the ensuite bathroom off the master bedroom. Her white tennis clothes were all over the floor in the bedroom along with my wife’s. I said, “You’re both caught.”

Finally it all made sense. These two travel together — they are also both teachers — and go off together every chance they can get. It’s obvious now they’re more than ”just friends.”

I told my wife, “Get her out of this house. I want a divorce!” Then I lost it. I yelled, “How long has this affair been going on. How many years?” She wouldn’t answer.

What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I check up on this sooner, like when the sex between my wife and I stopped, and my she was always going off on holidays with her girlfriend, but not me? How dumb can a guy get? Why did I not see what was going on?

— Hurting Husband, Charleswood

Dear Hurting Husband: People say love is blind because we often refuse to look at something that is going to cause us pain. Even if straying partners are dropping hints, nothing is said and nothing is asked.

Your wife was leaving all kinds of hints — no sex with you, travelling alone with the same partner, happily leaving you up at the lake for whole months at a time. To be fair, she didn’t seem to be sure if she wanted to leave the marriage, or she probably would have done it.

Now you’ve reached the point where you two are facing reality. You know you can’t take more of a sexless marriage with a partner who doesn’t really want you. There will be other reasons you held on, and a good therapist will help you look at them, process them and move on.

The time has come to make your new moves and become free to meet someone else. You’ll probably want to hang on to your beloved cabin in the divorce, and find someone new who passionately loves lake life and will want to join you there. Then it can become the lake paradise you have always wanted.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband won’t let me drive his big boat with its giant motor, so I went out and bought myself a little “putt-putt” with a small motor. I adore it! I don’t weigh very much, and it’s perfect for me and one other person, but not my great-big husband.

Now something weird is happening and I don’t understand it. He’s always trying to take my little boat out on the water. Why does he care so much about my little boat? What’s wrong with my big man?

— Don’t Get It, Lake of the Woods

Dear Don’t Get It; The big guy is feeling jealous of your new boating attraction. He sees you’re passionate about your tiny boat and that’s really got him going. He wants you to make a big fuss over him again.

So, why not take cute photos of him in the tiny boat and show them to people? Then everybody’s laughing and smiling. When he sees you no longer have your shirt in a knot over sharing your new possession, he’ll quickly lose the desire to tease you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.