If you want real connection, get real with yourself

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I fell out of love with my wife a long time ago, but I stayed because we had five kids. You just can’t bail on a big family who are depending on you for food, clothing and everything else.

After the fifth child, my wife wasn’t interested in sex anymore, even though she could have had her tubes tied or something. She said she’d lost “that kind of feeling for me,” although she’d “love me forever.”

In desperation for sex and simple touch last spring, I finally found another woman, who was attracted to me. She was divorced, had no kids and claimed she didn’t want to be married again. She said she was fine with having me stay with my family. It was the perfect solution all this summer, or so I thought.

Then she said suddenly said she’d fallen in love with me, and now wants me for her own. I just don’t feel that way for her! So now, she’s gone and not seeing me anymore. She says she’s heartbroken. I’m just lonely and frustrated, again. Now what?

— Feeling Guilty and Lonely, North End

Dear Feeling Guilty: There’s nothing you can do to fix this situation for your hurting affair partner — except to leave your wife and kids and go to her. But that was never in the cards for you! This woman finally realized she could not change that, no matter how much she loved you.

From now on, you must leave your affair partner alone, and let her heal. You’ll have to hope the pain she’s feeling does not turn to anger and fuel revenge, and that includes contacting your wife. You have to guess your wife already knows, but she definitely doesn’t need it rubbed in her face. You say you fell out of love with your spouse long ago and she has no desire for intimacy with you, so maybe it’s time to consider splitting up, or to try marriage counselling, if there’s any hope in that direction. You can still provide for your family if you divorce, and you might both feel a real sense of relief.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My end-of-summer funk is coming on like a grey fog. I love summer so much, but it always ends too soon!

My retired teacher friends go to southern California in the winter, and they love it there. They have lots of fun, but then they know everybody at their snowbird compound. I wouldn’t know a soul, at first.

The teachers are my only close friends here, and they really want me to go. But, I’d be clinging to them, and I bet they’d get sick of me. They promise they’ll find me a place to rent near theirs, or I could stay with one of them, God forbid! I love them, but they’re small-time gamblers.

I realize I’m being a “Negative Nelly” by saying a cowardly “No” ahead of time. I also know it can get very depressing here for me, starting in October. I need some advice!

— Scared to Stay, Scared to Go, St. Vital

Dear Scared: Granted, you may not be a person who can dive into a new lifestyle, but you are a teacher! Once informed, you may be courageous enough to go ahead and explore, instead of staying home and getting depressed in the ice and snow. You’ll also have the advantage of built-in personal guides with many favourite spots they want to share — plus their love of the lifestyle.

Consider booking a flight to visit your friends for just two weeks this year, right after they’ve settled in. If you like the situation, rent a little place near your pals for later in the season — like after Christmas. You don’t have to stay too long the first year — just long enough to miss the worst couple months of winter. It’ll certainly beat sitting at home in the cold, with your best friends messaging you from a sunny beach bar. For some reason, they just love to do that!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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