Not so toe-riffic

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/08/2018 (2904 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It was the middle of the night and I was trying to navigate my way from our bed to the bathroom and back when, suddenly and without warning, it happened.

If you had been there, it would have sounded exactly like this: “WAAAAAAAAUGH!!! WAAAAAAAAUGH!!!”

As most of you have already deduced, that is the horrifying sound I produce whenever I stub my (extremely bad word) toe.

For reasons I do not entirely understand, I have a unique talent for slamming my toes into furniture or walls or any other hard inanimate object, especially when the lights are out.

As anyone who has ever stubbed their toe already knows, saying it hurts is like saying… OK, I can’t think of an appropriately humorous analogy here, but my point is it hurts a great deal.

Without doing any actual research, I would say stubbing your toe is easily the most painful thing that can happen to a human being, with the possible exception of a nasty paper cut, although even then you would have to pour lemon juice on it to match the agony of slamming your toes into the bedpost in the middle of the night.

I have even read that the only comparable pain is watching Bambi’s mother die, but, in my view, that is more a spiritual sort of torment as opposed to the actual physical suffering of stubbing your toe, causing it to swell up and turn the purple-black colour of a mature eggplant.

I should stress this is not simply my opinion. It is backed up by the scientific view of famous comedian/actor Kevin Hart, who recently stubbed his toe and then posted his deepest feelings on his Twitter account.

Here’s what Hart tweeted: “I swear stumping your pinky toe might be some of the worst pain on the planet… I just don’t understand how it hurts so bad and then goes away so fast… how???? Help me understand this s— please… I almost cried just now… And then it was over.”

I suppose it is entirely possible that “stumping” your toe is entirely different than “stubbing” your toe, but for the purposes of today’s column we will assume that Kevin Hart and I are on the same page, medically speaking.

Like most guys I know, when I hammer my toe into something, I react the same way Brazilian soccer superstar Neymar does when he thinks someone has fouled him — I roll on the ground in a theatrical manner while simultaneously wailing like a wounded woodland creature to the point where anyone nearby is forced to consider calling a priest to administer the last rites.

Not everyone is sympathetic to this display, however. I am referring here to my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, who was shockingly unconcerned after I stubbed my toe on the dangerously placed end table beside our bed.

Me: “WAAAAAAAAAUGHHH!!!”

My wife: “You really should be more careful, honey.”

Me: “I AM careful. I could NOT be more careful. The real problem, in case you care, is the universe is clearly out to get me.”

My wife: “Um, the universe is out to get you?”

Me: “Exactly!”

But the universe’s obvious vendetta against me is not what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about is the legitimate scientific reasons that explain why stubbing your toe hurts so much and for so long.

Which is why, on your behalf, I spent several valuable minutes randomly Googling the phrases “stubbing your toe” and “stubbed toe” to see whether the scientific community had weighed in on this painful topic.

According to what I read and partially understood, there are, in fact, serious biological reasons that explain the seemingly never-ending pain associated with attacking hard surfaces with your unprotected toes.

For starters, your toes — and the same goes for your fingers — are like advance scouts for the military in the sense they interface with the world and send back warnings to stop whatever stupid thing you happen to be doing if something is hot, sharp, slippery or otherwise dangerous.

This explains why your toes are jam-packed with nerve endings, which means ramming one into a hard surface hurts like… well, you know exactly what it hurts like. That alerts your brain to the fact there is a potentially lethal object in your path.

Despite the fact toes are responsible for leading the charge into a new environment, they don’t have a lot of protection in the sense there is little skin or muscle surrounding them, which means the sensitive nerve endings are exposed.

“Each digit has two nerves, one on either side,” Dr. Georgeanne Botek, of the department of orthopedic surgery at Cleveland Clinic, told the wellness website Self. “So no matter where you hit your toe or how you stub it, it’s going to affect a nerve impulse from your toe to your brain.”

What’s more, your toes have thick, insulated nerve fibres that transmit pain signals instantly, along with thinner, uninsulated fibres that produce a duller, longer-lasting pain, which is the one that leaves this columnist rolling on the floor and begging his unsympathetic wife to put him out of his misery.

So what I am recommending today is that everyone within the sound of my voice takes reasonable precautions, such as wearing steel-tipped work boots to bed.

Your wife may not like it, but I’m sure she’ll understand when you explain the universe is out to get you.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca