Unwelcome animals can make air travel a real zoo

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/10/2018 (2891 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It’s time for another instalment of Trend Spotting, the only feature guaranteed by the National Society of Newspaper Columnists to be 100 per cent fact-free.

This is the semi-recurring report wherein I, the professional newspaper columnist, inform you, the unsuspecting reader, about important cultural and societal trends, defined as “anything I have read about that has happened more than once.”

The shocking trend I want to share with you today involves a gaggle of disturbing news reports about wild animals causing unexpected delays for air travellers, beginning with…

● Squirrels — I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Seriously, Doug! Didn’t you just write a column whining about how some otherwise law-abiding squirrel had pelted you with pine cones in your backyard, and how rogue squirrels are responsible for more attacks on our power grid than terrorists?”

Technically, you are correct. The truth is, I had promised myself I would not write another squirrel-related column for the rest of the year, but I can see now that I was deluded.

Unless you have been in a coma for the past week, you will have heard and read several million breathless news reports about how a woman attempting to fly from Orlando to Cleveland was kicked off her Frontier Airlines flight for bringing an “emotional support squirrel” on board.

Again, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Gee, I hope all the other passengers had time to hide their complimentary package of airline peanuts.”

It seems the woman had informed the airline she’d be bringing an emotional support animal on the plane, but neglected to mention it was a squirrel, which falls under the category of rodent, which is forbidden on Frontier flights.

Not surprisingly, the woman didn’t want to get off the plane, so everyone else had to deplane while police were called in to remove the unwanted squirrel and its feisty owner. The flight was delayed two hours and passengers cheered as the woman was escorted away, pumping her fist in the air to convey the injustice of her eviction.

If you Google the words “squirrel delays flight,” you will get almost 360,000 results, which would suggest there were not enough stupid things to write about Donald Trump that day. Which makes this the perfect time to move on to…

● Raccoons — It turns out that furry raccoons, along with raiding our garbage and starring in cute recycling commercials, are also responsible for delaying commercial airline flights.

I base that on a series of news reports this summer about a rogue Canadian raccoon that scurried into the duct system of an Air Canada jet, causing a seven-hour delay in a flight from Saskatoon to Toronto.

What happened was ground crews in Saskatoon were connecting an air conditioning unit to the plane and that apparently disturbed the furry bandit, who had been inside the unit’s hose.

“For the most part, it was novelty,” passenger Damien Lee told reporters at the time. “People were guessing what it was at first. They were like, you know, holding mock bets, not really for real, but they were wondering and shouting out their ideas of what it could be. It was a circus.”

After a lengthy delay, the critter scuttled away unharmed, but it reportedly missed its connecting flight. Sadly, we don’t have time to fret over that, because we need to move on to…

● Alligators — Cute and cuddly woodland creatures are one thing, but huge reptilian beasts with teeth like steak knives are quite another when it comes to modern aviation delays.

Which is to say, earlier this year planes landing at Orlando International Airport had to sit patiently on the tarmac after passengers spotted a massive alligator meandering across the runway en route to a nearby pond.

Orlando airport officials made global headlines when they tweeted that pilots had to “pause on the taxiway and give right of way to a local resident out for a morning stroll.”

Ground crews raced out to the pond to ensure the gator didn’t return to the runway, which seems like a shame, because it would have left incoming flights without a (warning: terrible pun ahead) navi-gator. On that note, we move on to the last example of today’s alarming trend, namely…

● Snakes — Technically speaking, this doesn’t qualify for our trend because the humongous snake in question delayed a minor league baseball game in Texas as opposed to a commercial airline flight.

But still! Snakes! On a (bad word) field! What happened was a 1.5-metre snake slipped into centre field during the eighth inning of the San Antonio Missions’ 5-4 win against the Frisco RoughRiders recently at Nelson Wolff Stadium in San Antonio, Texas.

“I heard someone from the stands yell, ‘There’s a snake in centre field!’ but I thought they were just messing around,” Missions fielder Michael Gettys told reporters. “I think a couple pitches went by and then after the out, I just kind of looked over to my right… and I just saw it. That was it.”

In total, it took six members of the grounds crew to eventually coax the snake into a bucket. In conclusion, we’d just like to say that if the fans at that ballpark did not immediately sing “Snake Me Out to the Ball Game,” they missed the opportunity of a lifetime.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca