Saying it all with the right greeting card

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/02/2019 (2730 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

ATTENTION MEN: there is only one more sleep until Valentine’s Day, and you know what that means, don’t you?

It means you need to drop whatever you are holding — unless it is a scalding cup of coffee or a baby — and drive to the nearest store to buy a thoughtful gift for your beloved, by which I mean a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Ha ha ha! OK, guys, hold your horses, because I am only kidding in a jocular and lighthearted manner. I do not mean you should not obtain a heartfelt gift for that special person who sets your heart aflutter, but you probably should not simply grab the nearest box of chocolates.

That is because giving someone a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day sends the following blunt message: “Here, take these. I got you chocolates because I couldn’t think of something more original. Also, I ate all the ones with cherries inside. Sorry about that.”

The point I am trying to make is that if you are a hip and happening and sensitive modern guy, you do not need to take your marching orders from the all-powerful Valentine’s Day industrial complex, which compels you to spend your money on (a) chocolates; (b) flowers; and (c) cute stuffed animals clutching fuzzy little hearts.

The most important thing you can give to another person on Thursday is yourself, in the sense that you should share your innermost feelings, which means that you need to go and buy the most appropriate Valentine’s Day greeting card you can find.

Which is why today I am going to share some important tips for buying valentine cards. Before we start, allow me to point out that these tips are focused on buying cards for a group of people that, for the purposes of today’s column, we will refer to as “women.”

As female readers already know, persons of their gender do not need anyone to give them advice on buying greeting cards. Based on a scientific study of every woman I have ever met, they have secret stockpiles of greeting cards hidden in their basements to ensure they are never caught short when a special occasion pops up.

If you think I am kidding, visit a greeting-card store today and you will notice that one thing is missing — women.

The only people who leave vital card purchases to the last second are guys of my particular gender, who are in desperate need of tips on how to buy cards to ensure their loved ones continue to love them. Here are a few helpful tips for hapless card-buying guys:

Tip No. 1 — Ensure the card reflects your innermost feelings. If you do not have innermost feelings, take a moment to consider how emotional you felt during the big game when the (bad word) referee called that idiotic icing penalty when clearly it wasn’t icing and… OK, you get the point. Dry your eyes with a tissue and we’ll continue.

Tip No. 2 — Do not just buy a card with a monkey on it, unless your beloved is really into monkeys. You need to give her a card festooned with classy artwork that will touch her heart. You can find out what touches her heart by asking subtle questions, such as: “So, um, do you like puppies and kittens and stuff?” Or: “Who do you think would win a fight between a bunny and a baby hedgehog?”

Tip No. 3 — Make sure that your beloved knows you searched high and low to find “just the right card,” as opposed to simply grabbing the only card left at the drugstore, despite the fact it features a leprechaun chugging a pint of Guinness and snorting: “It’s St. Patrick’s Day! Give us a snog, my little potato!”

Tip No. 4 — Be careful to ensure the card contains classy sentiments that might actually come from a human being as opposed to a mass-produced expression of bogus sentiment generated by a computer or a heartless employee at a multinational corporate greeting-card giant.

Anyway, that should help keep you on the right track. If, for some reason, you have to buy a valentine card for a person of the extreme male gender, there is only one tip worth remembering: make sure the card makes a realistic farting sound when you open it!

On the other hand, you could consider making your own greeting card from scratch, because that would convey the heartfelt notion that you are too cheap to waste money on a piece of decorated cardboard.

No, sorry, what I meant to say is it would prove you are a do-it-yourself kind of person who knows what is lurking inside his own heart.

The important thing to remember is, if you make your own card, you are going to need to write “some manner of poem” to impress your beloved with the depth of your passion. I can tell by the sweat on your forehead that there is no way you are going to write a card-worthy poem, so here are a couple I just made up for you:

Poem No. 1 — “Roses are red/Violets are blue/Pepperoni pizza is nice/But you’re spicy, too!”

Poem No. 2 — “Roses are red/Four-leaf clovers are green/I love you with all my heart/And also my spleen.”

Of course, you can always turn to the internet and online poem generators.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca