Hey! Stop! Those guys are having fun… at a hockey game

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/02/2019 (2744 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

To: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman

From: A Canadian couch potato

Re: The Fun Police

Dear commissioner: I realize you are an extremely busy guy — what with fretting over concussions, the threat of another lockout, and the Jets’ recent slump — but I need to draw your attention to an issue that threatens to destroy this game we love so much, albeit in an understated Canadian way.

It has come to my attention that, under your watch, an NHL organization is undermining the very spirit of the game by encouraging its players and fans to do something that has absolutely no place in professional sports — having fun.

Just to be clear, Gary, I am talking about the Carolina Hurricanes, who are basking in the media spotlight, partly because of their recent red-hot play, but mostly for their over-the-top postgame celebrations after home wins.

As the commissioner of the National Hockey League, Gary, I am sure you are fully aware that hockey arenas are sacred temples in which worshippers look on with reverence as multimillionaires display their skills at a children’s game; they are not places where people are meant to engage in something as trivial as enjoying themselves.

While most NHL teams take to the ice briefly to waggle their sticks at fans after home wins, we have looked on with horror in recent months as the Hurricanes have stepped up their post-game victory celebrations at PNC Arena in Raleigh, N.C., to a flashy level not seen in modern history.

They call these jubilant full-team salutes to their fans the “Storm Surge” and they began late last year because new team owner Tom Dundon wanted to increase the entertainment quotient at sparsely attended home games.

Yes, Gary, that is where the FUN INFECTION began, and since then it has rapidly progressed to a full-on FUN FEVER. Excuse me for all the capital letters, Mr. Commissioner, but I take this issue of people wrongly having fun at hockey games very seriously.

The Storm Surge began simply enough, with the players gliding down the ice in unison to some popular song and then flinging themselves into the boards like overexcited rookies scoring their first goal.

But, like any infection, it has progressed rapidly since then, generating more media buzz than the recent measles outbreak. Now you never know what the players will do to excite their fans after a home win. One night they pretend to be human dominoes toppling over at centre ice, the next night they’re doing the limbo under a hockey stick, or pretending to play baseball, or bowling, or even a spirited round of Duck-Duck-Goose, for pity’s sake.

Sure the other team has already left the ice when these celebratory antics take place, but that’s not the point, is it, Gary? No, the point is this is the (bad word) National Hockey League! People aren’t supposed to have fun, are they Gary?

The Canes have been stepping up the theatrics lately in the midst of a winning streak that has made them one of the hottest teams in the league, and their fans are eating it up in the sense that they willingly stay AFTER GAMES ARE OVER, whereas some teams are struggling to have fans show up while the games are actually taking place.

And what have you done about this, Gary? Well, as far as I can see, you are taking a hands-off approach, a sort of “Remain Calm and Celebrate On” attitude, if I may be so bold.

Fortunately, some of hockey’s resident curmudgeons — famously cranky analysts Don Cherry and Brian Burke — have stepped up to the plate to do what you should have done in the first place, by which I mean turn red in the face, froth at the mouth, and complain about how disrespectful it is to have fun at a hockey game.

In a recent segment of Coach’s Corner on Hockey Night in Canada, Cherry chirped: “This is the National Hockey League. These guys, to me, are jerks. They’re still not drawing (fans). I’ll tell you one thing, they better not do this in the playoffs. That is absolutely ridiculous. I know all the broadcasters are afraid to say something… I know what I’m talking about. You never do anything like that. They’re still not drawing. They’re still a bunch of jerks, as far as I’m concerned.”

And were the Canes properly chastised to the point where they dropped their goofy celebrations? Ha ha ha! No, they embraced Cherry’s words and cashed in the very next day by whipping up a bunch of T-shirts emblazoned with “Bunch of Jerks” and selling them online.

(They sold out within an hour, Gary, but you can still check at carolinaproshop.com. They’re US$32, by the way.)

Burke, a former NHL general manager, also bravely signed up with the Fun Police, declaring: “I think it’s absurdly amateurish peewee garbage stuff. They like it — terrific. Stay and watch it. Clap. Have another beer and stay and watch them swim or canoe or whatever they’re going to do next. I’m not watching.”

The fans are enjoying it, however. Now that the team is winning and celebrating, they’re averaging about 16,000 fans, up about 1,000 from the same time last year.

Well, Gary, are you going to just sit on your hands idly while fans and players defy you by having fun, or are you going to drop the hammer? It’s getting out of hand! What’s next? Players strumming guitars and singing Kumbaya while fans hold hands in the stands?

The next move is up to you, Gary. Just remember: Whatever you do, try not to enjoy it too much.

Yours without too much celebration, a friendly (but not too friendly) Manitoban,

Doug Speirs

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca