No one accused us guys of being smart

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/03/2019 (2719 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

As much as I hate making sweeping generalizations, I feel confident in stating there are some fairly dramatic differences between men and women.

For starters, no matter how simple a task is, guys of my gender will almost always find the dumbest, and potentially most lethal, method for carrying it out.

In contrast, based on every woman I have ever met, persons of the extreme opposite gender tend to perform tasks in a manner that will A) not make them look stupid in front of millions of people; and B) not result in the loss of a medically important organ.

I experienced this subtle difference in my personal life a few years back when, during the course of a charity softball game against a bunch of NHL players, I managed to tear my Achilles tendon, which left me in a leg cast that I was not allowed to get wet.

I was too lazy to wrap my leg in a garbage bag and seal it with duct tape, so I hit on this genius and extremely manly system for washing my hair in the morning:

1. I would hobble to the bathroom stark naked with the help of one of those walkers that older people use.

2. I would fill the bathtub up to the very brim using a cool plastic thingy that fits over the drain and doesn’t let the water escape.

3. I would kneel on all fours beside the tub in the altogether, then plunge my head under the water, and scrub away.

This system worked perfectly until the day one of the dogs wandered in while I was (how can I put this) in an extremely vulnerable position, and poked his cold nose in a medically sensitive part of my anatomy, causing me to become terrified and yank my head out of the water at light speed, thereby hitting the back of my head on the faucet, almost rendering me unconscious.

The point is, when I told that story to a group of women a short time later, they all frowned and, in the sort of voice you would use when explaining a complex theory to a potted plant, said: “You could have just stuck your head in the sink!”

They were, in hindsight, completely right. The truth is, what with being a standard guy, I have a special knack for doing simple things in the worst way imaginable. Fortunately, I am in good company, as we can see from the following real-life examples, starting with …

The Wrong Way to Style Your Hair Before Appearing on TV: If you do not know this story, you have probably spent the past week in a coma. What happened was NBC anchor Ali Velshi threw a live broadcast to hunky reporter Matt Bradley, who was in Syria waiting to give an update on the fight against ISIS.

Unfortunately, Bradley didn’t realize the cameras were rolling, so, as the anchor looked on sheepishly, the unsuspecting journalist quickly engaged in his pre-broadcast regimen — he spat into one of his hands, then rubbed the saliva in his hair, then spat once again and used his other hand to slick his dirty blond hair back even more.

Not surprisingly, Twitter exploded, with social-media users spitting out comments such as: “I would like to unsee this.” And: “Imagine keeping your mutant super-power (expectorating hair gel) secret for your whole life and then you accidentally broadcast it on TV.”

On the upside, other guys rallied to his aid, with NBC News anchor Carl Quintanilla quipping: “Folks reporting live from Syria can get ready for air any. Way. They. Want.” Bradley himself bravely retweeted the video, adding the hashtag #WarIsHell.

The point I want to make is the only reason most guys do not do exactly what Matt Bradley did is that, if trapped in a war zone, we would be too scared to muster up enough spit to wet our lips, let alone groom our unruly locks.

Which brings us to our second factual example of guys doing stuff the hard way, namely …

The Wrong Way to Kill a Cockroach: according to several news reports, a 50-year-old Detroit man spotted a cockroach scuttling across his floor, and bravely tried to squash the bug by flinging one of his shoes at it.

Unfortunately, when he flung his sneaker at the cockroach, he had forgotten his handgun was hidden inside the shoe, and it fell out and fired, striking him in the foot. “Authorities said the man was taken to local hospital and is in stable condition following the incident,” the story states. “It is unclear whether he ended up successfully squashing the cockroach or not.”

The story also pointed out how hazardous guys and bugs can be, because another Detroit man was badly burned after he tried to light bedbugs on fire in his apartment via the technique of dousing his furniture with alcohol and lighting a cigarette.

Sadly, there is not enough room left for me to tell you about the guy in Texas who brought a steer to a Houston-area Petco to test their “all leashed pets are welcome” policy. Ditto the story about the naked Russian man who tried to board a plane in Moscow without the benefit of clothing because he is, quote, “more aerodynamic” when undressed.

The scientific point I am trying to make is: We guys need to be just a little bit more careful. And that’s what I’m going to do right now, because I’m dying to know if my head will actually fit in our sink.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca