Friends in need

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This article was published 02/10/2023 (1110 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

For many, making friends as an adult is hard.

As you get older, your responsibilities grow, so the time for your social life lessens as you prioritize career goals, family and other life opportunities.

Even if you already have a strong network of friends, the likelihood of engaging with them fades. And meeting new people? That’s an even bigger challenge.

As an adult, you’re not conveniently thrown into as many kindergarten-like situations where meeting people is natural. Timing is a huge factor, too. Research suggests it takes 50 hours to build a casual friendship, 90 hours to become real friends and 200 hours to consider someone a close friend.

While the pandemic complicated things, this was the state of adult friendship long before COVID-19 added a massive connection roadblock.

“Loneliness has been such a rampant thing, even pre-COVID,” says Sabrina Friesen, a Winnipeg-based private-practice therapist. In fact, 80 per cent of her clients say they’re lonely.

Friesen moved to Winnipeg when she was 21 and says the city can be a challenging place to meet new friends as an adult.

“People grow up here and everybody’s really pleasant but nobody is exceptionally welcoming, because they don’t need a new community and don’t necessarily want to expand their borders. It can be a closed and insular place,” she says. “So unless you luck into a workplace, a neighbourhood or somewhere where people are also open and receptive, people who want to make friends don’t know where to go.”

While speed dating is a common way to find potential partners, Friesen decided to up the ante with “speed friending” as a way for people to meet new friends. She started Winnipeg Connect last summer, which curates pop-up and casual friend events — everything from singles mixers to trivia nights — to help people find community and connection. All events are inclusive and welcoming to people of all identities and ages.

“I wanted to develop spaces where people can grow meaningful relationships, whether it’s a partnership or a network of friends, because it’s something that needs more attention in our community,” she says.

“Watching people build meaningful relationships that actually work is magical. It’s the coolest thing to see people show up and form new relationships.”

Research shows that after the age of 25, most adult friendships start to dwindle, coupled with the fact that forming meaningful relationships gets harder as we age, leaving many people feeling alone.

And when it comes to the negative health outcomes of loneliness, Friesen says the results are astounding. Statistically, she says, people live longer when they have more friends.

“The science is clear. Loneliness is as risky as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day — there are so many negative outcomes,” she says. “We need co-regulation. We need to be in proximity to other people for our bodies to feel safe, settled and secure. So when we don’t get that, we move into chronic stress.”

On the flip side, healthy friendships can help us age better, cope with stress and live happier, longer lives. Plus, happiness is contagious. A Harvard study found that when a person is happy, their friends who live within an approximate 1.5-kilometre radius have a 25 per cent higher chance of feeling happier, too.

In early adulthood, the task of making friends was challenging, says 55-year-old Michael Wolch, who left Winnipeg when he was 20 years old and moved back 13 years later. The father of three says it was difficult to make friends once he returned.

“I didn’t keep in touch with any of my friends from back in the day,” he says. “So I had grown apart from a lot of them and it took me a long time to have any friends. To be honest with you, I think men have a little bit more trouble having deep connections.”

Wolch goes out for drinks with his buddies here and there and they talk about sports and politics, but it’s not necessarily the connection he’s looking for.

“It’s hard to connect with people on a deeper level and that’s something I have a desire for.”

According to a 2021 survey from the Survey Center on American Life, less than half of the male respondents reported being satisfied with their friendships and only about one in five said they had received emotional support from a friend in the previous week, compared with four in 10 women.

Friesen says people like Wolch shouldn’t be too hard on themselves, because making friends is tough no matter who you are. People want social connection but wrestle with where and how to get it.

“When we’re in school, we connect with the people in our class. If we work in an office, we’ll connect with our colleagues,” she says. “But with all of us coming out of COVID, we’ve had to relearn how to be with people and when we’re already feeling nervous or alone, it makes it extra hard to go put yourself out there.”

In the last five years, Wolch met two men through his wife with whom he has developed close friendships. And they’re both in their 70s.

“Connecting with them at this point in my life, in a small way, it’s almost like a father-son relationship,” he says. “My one friend, Norm, and I don’t necessarily talk too in depth but I feel like he’s a bit more of an old-school guy. It’s an opportunity for me to shake him up a little bit and get him out of his comfort zone.”

With his other friend, Peter van de Vyvere, Wolch has been able to show his softer side and leaned into vulnerability — something key to fostering closeness in friendships.

“We go for walks in nature, bring birdseed and feed the birds, we talk about each other’s lives. He’s open-minded and into spirituality and meditation. We even read our tarot cards together,” Wolch says. “It’s interesting to me to have met these men at this point in my life.”

Wolch says the dynamics between men and women have changed over the years. Previously, men didn’t necessarily have to be emotional or share their feelings. And while things have changed, social pressures remain that make it difficult for men to express the vulnerability and intimacy needed for close friendships.

“There’s more expectations these days (for men), and rightly so. Meeting these older gentlemen has allowed me to dig deeper into that,” he says. “As you age, you get to a point where you crave a stronger connection with people. And maybe I’m at that age. I don’t consider myself to be old but there’s something deeper within myself that really craves that connection that I don’t think was there 15 or 20 years ago.”

According to sociologists, repeated, unplanned interactions and opportunities to let ourselves be vulnerable are necessary for creating bonds that turn into friendship.

That’s the case for Jayme Galloway, 44, and her friend of six years, Charity Scantlebury. The two met through work and hit it off immediately. They’ve both moved on to different workplaces but their friendship remains tight.

“Charity and I chatted all the time at work and here we are, years later, as great friends,” Galloway says. “And because we don’t work in the same jobs anymore and have no reason to see each other work-wise, we often plan outings and weekends together. We have a ton in common, including our careers. It’s very special to meet a new friend as an adult.”

Close friendships can be transformative — and not just for our social calendars. Friends make us feel safe and reduce our stress. In Scantlebury, Galloway found a confidante and someone she can count on. Their friendship has developed into a close bond where they share interests and lifestyle choices.

“I think there’s a huge benefit to being able to talk to and relate with somebody who’s truly in the same position as you,” Galloway says. “You have someone to bounce the normal stuff off of, whether it’s your wins or your struggles. And as people who aren’t married and don’t have children, (Charity and I) are few and far between.”

Galloway is in a long-term relationship but says when friends begin to start families, the dynamic inevitably changes and the friendship shifts.

“People say, ‘My single friends don’t get it. They’re busy doing single friends stuff.’ What they don’t think of is when you do get married, have children, or both, you also stop asking your single friends to go out,” she says. “So, our job is to figure out who we fit in with. We chose the road less travelled so it’s just a different experience for us.”

Similarity is often the starting point for a real, close friendship. And knowing you have something in common can make it easier to approach someone.

“(Charity and I) are both marketing directors and business-minded people,” Galloway says. “It’s one of those things where when we get together, we can’t stop ourselves. We talk about ideas and work and we always say we should go into business together.”

Adulthood is an important time to make new friends — you’re more secure with yourself, so you’re more likely to attract people who align with your interests, values and lifestyle. But friendships don’t just appear; they take time and commitment and you have to be intentional about making them.

“We need to do our own work about being OK with who we are so that we can bring our whole selves into a friendship. And if we expect our friendships or partnerships to make us feel better about ourselves, they won’t be successful,” Friesen says.

Friendships are one of the few relationships that we choose. They can outlast our romantic relationships and be just as intimate. And they can take on the role of family if our own falls short.

The secret to making friends as an adult is that you have to try. Yes, there’s risk in being vulnerable but there’s also the potential to connect with someone who may become a good friend. And that in itself is a fine reward.

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