Death café a safe space to contemplate dying

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/10/2023 (1035 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I didn’t expect to cry. But hearing people’s stories of pain and grief gets me every time. That, and reliving some of my own losses, pushed me over that edge. I chewed furiously on the kale in my power bowl, hoping it would distract me enough to stop weeping.

I attended my very first death café in the warm, colourful and charming Verde Juice Bar, a hub for health, wellness and positivity in the heart of Wolseley. A death café (whether online or in person) is a casual atmosphere, with food and beverages, in which people gather to discuss death and dying.

Death cafés are always offered free of charge, with no agenda of leading participants to any conclusion. They are valuable for enabling people to discuss death comfortably and openly, and offer a respectful and confidential space to express views safely. Death cafés are not for bereavement support or grief counselling.

Jon Underwood, who started the death café movement in 2011 in the United Kingdom, believed the world would be a better place if people dealt with their fear of dying. “Life and death are interdependent… The best preparation for death is to have a great life,” he said.

Rena Boroditsky, executive director of the Jewish Burial Society in Winnipeg, played a big part in bringing the death café to Winnipeg and remembers the events as rewarding and valuable.

“People really bare their souls. It was so interesting. It was such an honour to hold that space for people to feel comfortable.”

Though I’ve always had a fascination with death, recently turning 60 has motivated me to learn as much about it as possible — all of it, the before, during and after parts. And it turns out there are many others like me. There were about 20 people in attendance at the event hosted by local death doula Michelle Leray and many of them were eager to share.

Topics covered included green burial, aquamation (water cremation, which is currently legal in a few provinces), creating a death/life book, coping with grief and loss, dealing with a dying person not wanting a funeral or service despite family and friends needing closure, how to sit and spend quality time with the dying, examining the widespread aversion to allowing people to grieve publicly in many western cultures, and why we don’t encourage more conversation about death and dying.

“The freedom and permission to discuss death seemed to allow people to cross a very personal threshold that had been pent up inside them,” said my friend, who attended with me.

I then realized how pent up my own grief has been over so many years, due to the stigma of grieving openly within our society. It’s too often looked upon as a weakness. Yet in many other cultures, people cope better with death, it seems. Wailing is encouraged instead of shamed. Crying is expected rather than hidden away. People come together to grieve, tell stories, eat, drink, celebrate the life lived and cry some more. In the western world, many are driven to grieving in isolation.

Leray sees many people looking for a safe space to talk about death and dying.

“They find others around them are uncomfortable with those discussions or will often change the topic,” she said. “When we avoid a very basic reality such as dying and death, we give it a lot of power over us, and by talking about it freely — sharing our ideas, fears, worries, and concerns — little by little it starts to feel less daunting. People enjoy the connections, as well as hearing other perspectives and stories that help them to learn more about themselves.

“Death cafés give us an opportunity to discuss and share openly about what is often considered a taboo topic. They help us to remember to live with meaning, and to live as fully as we can, for as long as we can. They help us to feel less alone when enduring our own challenges with health, caring for ill loved ones, grieving and more.”

To attend a death café with Michelle Leray, register at spiritguidedpath@gmail.com. A death café in French will be held at St. Boniface Library, facilitated by Stephanie Rouet, on Nov. 18 at 3 p.m. Register at Doulademort@gmail.com