Unconditional love

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This article was published 18/10/2024 (636 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

For as long as it has existed, the word love — while a many-splendoured thing — has been overused and misused. But for Hugh Donald Sutherland, that word lived at the heart of his 94-year life story.

Sutherland died on July 30 with Alesa, his wife of 22 years, beside him. Predeceased by two wives, he leaves behind three children, three stepchildren and three grandchildren.

Alesa met the love of her life while working as a private consultant in Saskatchewan.

“The door opened and in walked this incredibly handsome man,” she recalled. “He wore a suit so well, like Jean-Luc Picard, which appealed to me immensely.”

She offered him coffee and a magazine while he waited to meet with her colleague.

“I saw him sitting there in the light. I wanted to know what was going on in his mind that he was so content to be there. He just exuded something of peace that drew people to him. He didn’t need to be fed, watered, or anything,” she said with a laugh.

In conversation, she revealed that when she turned 50, she wanted to learn to dance. It turned out he was a ballroom dancer and the perfect dance partner. They were married less than a year later.

“Donald loved me so completely,” said Alesa. “I was the right fit for the last part of his life. We didn’t argue, we debated. He never saw a problem that wasn’t an adventure to go on. He always knew that whatever was there could be fixed.”

And when it came to relationship wisdom, Sutherland had lots of it.

“We saw that our responsibility as spouses was to create the space to become the best version of ourselves. I think it was because he had unconditional positive regard for people. He always said that it was easy to be happily married… marry somebody that’s crazy about you and never do or say anything that could change their mind.”

Though he was an extreme introvert, Alesa says that’s what made him such a profound listener.

“He never needed external validation. He loved gathering people who were dear to him, sitting together on the deck at the farmhouse. He just knew how to create family.

“Donald always had this beautiful confidence, this knowing, that things would work out well. In the last half-hour of his life there was an incredible sense of peace that filled the room,” she said. “That has never left me, this feeling of peace.”

Born on a family farm in Richlea, Sask., Sutherland was deeply connected to the land. He completed a bachelors degree, a B.Ed. and an MBA, and obtained numerous professional certifications. His curiosity and passion for learning fuelled his interest in ongoing training well into his 80s.

Sutherland enjoyed a varied professional life in his work for Federated Co-op, the Economic Council of Canada, Manpower and Immigration, and the Saskatchewan School Trustees Association. In 1981, he returned to farm the land of his birthplace.

Sutherland valued family life and love above all else, recognizing how fortunate he’d been with each of his relationships. The dedicated father and grandfather motivated everyone around him to be the best they could be. A mentor and role model to many, he was a constant source of encouragement. Well into his final years with Alesa, they counselled and mentored couples and families towards fulfilling relationships.

Sophie Freynet-Agossa came to know Sutherland when she worked in the Office of Marriage, Family and Life at the Archdiocese of Saint Boniface.

“Donald and Alesa have long worked as a mentor couple, and they were advisors to me in this ministry,” she said. “We worked together on building and organizing a weekend retreat for couples together, where they co-facilitated parts of the retreat and offered support to the couples. Most importantly, we became great friends. They were a couple which remain a huge inspiration to me, in the way they navigated through all stages of life together, with mutual respect and with such tenderness.”

Freynet-Agossa remembers the kindness of Sutherland’s presence, his ability to listen and value each individual, and the wisdom he freely shared.

“I often recall something Donald had shared with me: ‘If you’re not laughing, you’re not learning.’ I think of his fun-loving outlook on life — he had a great sense of adventure, and found humour in the little things. There was always a twinkle in his eye. I greatly admired his open-mindedness and his passion for continuous learning,” she said, adding she’s currently doing a master’s in marriage and family therapy because Donald and Alesa encouraged her on that path.

For Sutherland’s daughter Laurie Holmes, her father was a big spirit with a profound impact on others.

“As far back as I can remember, the moment Dad got home from work he took over the child-minding duties, until we were safely tucked in bed,” she recalled. “He loved this time. He loved being a parent and never shied away from any part of it. He happily fed and changed the diapers of his babies as they arrived. He played with us — I mean got down on the floor and played with us. He wrestled with us and encouraged our own games of the imagination.

“After bathtime came storytime. Every single day of my childhood ended with this ritual. When I was younger, we all piled in bed around him, and he read to us or made up wonderful stories, animating the characters so vividly, with unique voices that brought them all to life. When I became too old for storytime but still way too young for adulthood, he’d always come in to say goodnight.”

Her father’s undivided attention allowed her to talk to him honestly about anything.

“Dad loved us, loved being a parent and encouraged us to fully become our best individual selves. I loved art and theatre, so he signed me up for acting lessons and camps. He supported my sister’s passion for horses and my brother’s interest in the biological sciences and music.”

Holmes said that in his later years, her father embraced Alesa’s children as his own, expanding his fatherly love and encouragement to them.

“When his previously unknown nieces and nephews via his brother Alex surfaced, he just as willingly embraced them into the family fold,” she said. “His definition of family expanded even further as he and Alesa embraced new Canadians, and others without family nearby, as their own.

“Alesa and my Dad came up with a motto for their life together. It was to love, laugh and learn, and so they did, fully and richly.”