Don’t doubt our politeness… or else

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/02/2018 (3066 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

I hate to appear rude, but I need to share some disconcerting news with everyone who lives in Friendly Manitoba.

Before we get to that, however, we should first observe the common courtesies. If it’s not too intrusive, may I ask how you are doing? Work going OK? The kids behaving? Has your beloved pet stopped doing that embarrassing thing we don’t normally talk about in family newspapers?

Good. Now let’s get down to brass tacks. What you need to know is that the other day I received an email from a PR firm promoting something called the “2018 Politeness Index,” which ranked the most (and least) polite provinces in terms of business friendliness.

Here’s what the news release gushed: “To compile the 2018 Politeness Index, the data scientists at FreshBooks — a small business accounting software that makes billing painless — analyzed the invoices of small businesses for the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to determine which states are most polite.”

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Gee, Doug, should we point out to the data scientists at FreshBooks that, in Canada, we refer to ourselves as provinces, not ‘states’, or would that be too rude?”

That is an excellent point — and I thank you for making it — but we need to focus on the results of the politeness survey, especially what it has to say about our famously pleasant province.

Put down whatever you are holding and prepare to be devastated, because this obviously scientific survey states Manitoba is one of the least polite provinces in the entire country.

Seriously, Friendly Manitoba (six per cent politeness) ranks No. 11 on FreshBooks’ list, ahead only of the Yukon, which scored four per cent on the politeness index. The survey does not mention Nunavut, which seems impolite to me, but I’m sure they had valid reasons for excluding that territory.

Our six-per-cent rating ties us with the Northwest Territories (No. 10) and Newfoundland & Labrador (No. 9), but, for reasons that are never explained, they are slotted ahead of us on the list.

Look, I was fine when online retailing giant Amazon didn’t bother to include a single Manitoba city on its annual list of the 20 most romantic cities in the country. But I am not going to sit still while some small business accounting software firm informs us via email that we are among the least polite people in a country that is famous for being the most (bad word) polite in the (another bad word) world.

On a personal note, I have lived in Manitoba for more than 40 years and I can state categorically that we are an intensely polite province, otherwise we would stab each other with icicles during a soul-destroying cold snap.

For instance, on the way to work this morning, it’s entirely possible I accidentally cut off another motorist, who responded by giving me the one-finger salute, a gesture that was clearly meant to indicate that, in his Friendly Manitoba view, I am No. 1.

That is just the polite way in which Manitoba motorists treat one another. I’m sure you would get a much ruder reaction in New Brunswick, which, by the way, is rated as the most polite province in Canada, with a score of 15 per cent politeness when it comes to saying “please” and “thank you” on business invoices.

I do not wish to incur the wrath of New Brunswickers, but when it comes to politeness, they are not the province that leaps to mind.

For the purposes of today’s column, I researched the topic “How to be polite” online and discovered that polite people (and this would apply to provinces, too) do not go on and on about how clever and wonderful they are in an effort to appear more glamorous.

In contrast, when I researched New Brunswick, I discovered websites blathering on about their tourism venues, especially the fact they are the self-proclaimed “French Fry Capital of the World” and home to Potato World, a museum dedicated to all things potato.

I hate to say it, but Potato World is pretty stuck on itself, as we can see from its website: “Discover the impact the humble potato has had on the survival of New Brunswick’s early settlers and how important it is to the economy of the province today. Explore the interactive displays for interesting insights into the potato’s history, the industry… Finish your tour with a serving of hot fries.

“We are also the home of the Potato World Hall of Recognition, acknowledging the contributions of New Brunswickers to the potato industry.”

Talk about yourself much, Potato World? I hate to say this, but it seems to me that a polite province would not try to steal all the potato thunder from Prince Edward Island.

It would be polite to move on to one last thing I learned from a website entitled SkillsYouNeed.com, namely, if you want to be polite, “do not pick your nose or ears, chew on your fingers or bite your fingernails in public.”

Well, if I know anything about Manitobans, it is this: we do not pick our noses in public. No, we wait until our cars are stopped at red lights before allowing a single digit to approach our nasal cavities. Now that is politeness.

There’s a lot more I could tell you, but I am not going any further unless you say the “magic word.” Do you know what the magic word is?

Ha ha ha! Of course you don’t, because you’re a Manitoban. You’re welcome.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca