Enter, Sandman… just don’t mind the dogs

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/09/2018 (2870 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Anyone who has seen me nodding off in the cookie aisle at the supermarket understands that I am not getting nearly enough sleep.

The problem is that as you get older you lose the ability to sleep when you are supposed to — in your bed at night, or while listening to a politician speak — and you end up sleeping when you shouldn’t, namely while leaning on a shopping cart and trying to decide whether Oreos or Chips Ahoy! would make a more nutritious snack.

It’s gotten so bad that I am unable to slip into Slumberland even when my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, forces me to watch one of those reality-TV home-renovation programs, and they have been scientifically proven to cause laboratory rats to fall asleep before the first commercial.

I hate to brag, but back in the day I was easily one of the best sleepers in the entire country. If we’d had an Olympic sleeping team, I would have been the star. Even if I got a full night’s sleep, I still managed to nod off in the middle of high school math class.

Math teacher: “Mr. Speirs, if it takes two large pumps and one small pump four hours to fill an Olympic swimming pool, how long will it take four large and four small pumps to fill the same pool, assuming it is full of overweight German tourists wearing skimpy Speedo bathing suits?”

Me: “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!”

But those days are gone. Now, I almost never sleep through the night, partly because I am old and partly because approximately every four minutes my wife will kick me under the covers to convey the concept that I am keeping her awake.

My wife (kicking me): “HONEY!”

Me: “Hrglmph?”

My wife (kicking again): “Honey, I can’t sleep because you’re (bad word) snoring so loud.”

Me: “Huh? I don’t snore.”

My wife: “Oh, yes you do! It sounds like this (she makes a gurgling sound in her throat) SNAAARGLMPHSSSH!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I also have to cope with the fact that we have three small dogs that sleep in the bed and, if I attempt to roll over in the middle of the night, all three express their displeasure by grumbling and emitting toxic fumes that can cause your eyes to water even in a pitch-black bedroom.

Fortunately, there is hope for older guys like me who have not had a decent night’s sleep since William Shatner was captain of the Starship Enterprise.

I discovered this light at the end of the tunnel the other day when I stumbled upon news reports about an old sleep technique the U.S. military developed to help soldiers fall asleep in two minutes, even when they were on the battlefield.

This technique was first revealed in the 1981 book Relax and Win: Championship Performance In Whatever You Do, written by Lloyd “Bud” Winter, but it is going viral now thanks to a helpful article on Joe.co.uk, a British news and entertainment website aimed at manly men, many of whom have been awake since the last time the Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

“The U.S. Navy Pre-Flight School developed a scientific method to fall asleep day or night, in any conditions, in under two minutes,” Winter’s book explains.

“After six weeks of practice, 96 per cent of pilots could fall asleep in two minutes or less. Even after drinking coffee, with machine-gun fire being played in the background.”

Here’s the first thing that popped into my dozy head when I read those words: “Huh? Wow! I really need to try this system before… um… OK, what was I trying to say?”

The point is, I would do anything to regain my ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, so I decided to put the U.S. military’s secret sleep technique to the test.

Before I tell you what happened, here are the steps the book says you should follow to fall asleep in less time than it takes to consume an entire package of chocolate-chip cookies:

● Relax the muscles in your face, including tongue, jaw and the muscles around the eyes.

● Drop your shoulders as far down as they’ll go, followed by your upper and lower arm, one side at a time.

● Breathe out, relaxing your chest, followed by your legs, starting from the thighs and working down.

You should then spend 10 seconds trying to clear your mind before thinking about one of the three following images:

● You’re lying in a canoe on a calm lake with nothing but a clear blue sky above you.

● You’re lying in a black velvet hammock in a pitch-black room.

● You say, “don’t think, don’t think, don’t think” to yourself over and over for about 10 seconds.

I would like to tell you this system worked for me, but, what with being a crusading newspaper journalist, I am not supposed to lie. The basic problem I experienced was this: it is (bad word) impossible to relax when you are being ordered to relax.

When I attempt to force myself to relax, I feel like one of those squirmy kids who has been dropped on Santa’s lap at the mall and instantly transforms into a rigid wooden plank.

And has anyone out there actually been able to relax their tongue? Seriously, whenever I consciously think about my tongue it begins roaming around my mouth searching for the last cookie crumb stuck behind my back teeth.

I also struggled when I tried to clear my mind and think about lying in a (bad word) canoe on a calm lake. Whenever I think about water while lying in bed, within seconds I have to sprint for the bathroom because my bladder is currently the size of a cashew.

What’s more, if while lying in bed in a darkened room, you suddenly start saying “don’t think, don’t think, don’t think” out loud for 10 seconds, your spouse will kick you under the covers with the same force that allows a rocket to escape Earth’s gravity.

I have mixed feelings about the fact this magical military formula did not help me dream sweet dreams in two short minutes. On the downside, I still spend too much time listening to my wife and three dogs snort and snore during the night.

On the upside, I no longer have to worry about being recruited by any army in the world.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca