Getting a little help to cure the winter blues

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/02/2018 (3069 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Good morning, Winnipeg: I can tell by the sullen way in which you are reading today’s column that you are (bad word) fed up with winter.

You are sick of being greeted first thing in the morning by extreme cold weather warnings from Environment Canada. You fear your medically sensitive areas will freeze solid when you attempt to run from your front door to your car. Even if you make it, you will forget to unplug your block heater, meaning your extension cord will be thump thump thumping behind your vehicle all the way to the office.

My diagnosis? You have a serious case of the winter blues, Winnipeg, and it could prove fatal unless help arrives immediately.

Fortunately, on Tuesday morning I sat down with a group of cold-weather experts, by which I mean the warm-hearted kids in Lucia Whitney’s Grade 6 class at St. Alphonsus School in East Kildonan. I visited the kids as part of I Love to Read Month in exchange for them picking up their pencils and writing prescriptions on how to turn those frowns upside down.

Prepare to feel unseasonably jolly, because here are the kids’ lightly edited ideas for curing the winter blahs:

Dear Winnipeg: “Have super hot lights in parking spots to keep your seats warm. Have hot chocolate stations every mile to stay warm. Heat sidewalks for your dog’s feet to stay warm. Have RRRRoll up the rim to win year-round.” — Jaedyn, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “1) Go on vacation; 2) Have free candy areas (because candy is the best); 3) Stay inside (if you’re that lazy); 4) Leave!; 5) Deal with it.” — Lexi, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “I think we should just put a big tarp over Winnipeg and it would catch all the snow, but we would cut a hole in the top of the tarp so the sun can shine in on Winnipeg. We would also put a bunch of heaters on the tarp. I would also put a hot-chocolate maker in every car… You can’t be sad or mad when drinking hot chocolate.” — Nick, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “Stop complaining! Here’s some genius ideas… 1) Everyone loves bubbles, so you should create a giant bubble around yourself. Then buy a portable heater. 2) Lock yourself in a warm house. Self-explanatory. 3) Convince a billionaire to donate billions to the city. If we get lucky and the city doesn’t spend it all on Portage and Main, better roads and the Transit system, we could hopefully get every person a personal hot drink machine. 4) Global warming. No more winter. 5) Everybody should get cute puppies.” — Nathan, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “The best way for me to get rid of the winter blues is to snuggle up with something. Anything… For me, I snuggle with my dog, Milo. He is a very silly dog. Milo will always have a confused look on his face… But the best thing about him is that he will snuggle you to death. If you don’t have a dog, you should.” — Julia, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “I think that in many areas of the city there should be a big building that is super warm and it will look like Hawaii or Mexico. There will be palm trees and you can suntan whenever you want. If you’re cold or sick of the weather, you just walk into the big building and the workers will give you a fresh new bathing suit because it’s way way way too hot. There’s also pools that look like the ocean and sand. And it’s only $5 or $10 for a membership.” — Annika, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “You could build a device to melt all the snow to make it summer all year long. You can also wear summer clothes to make it feel like summer. You can also go to the beach to go swimming.” — Maria, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “First, our city has to put fake palm trees in, that will make you feel warmer. Second, we have to melt all the snow. Third, we have to take the sun from Mexico. Four, no more winter blues. Boom! Enjoy your hot time!” — Jack, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “If you do, for some odd reason, like all the snow, the cold weather, and not being able to go outside, then you are super weird.

For you people who don’t like winter, here are some ideas: heated streets; hot chocolate stands; giant dome over Winnipeg; sun lamps instead of street lamps.” — Carissa, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “Put hot chocolate powder in the water pipes; move somewhere warm (you were planning on it anyways); fill your briefcase/purse full of hand warmers and stuff them down your clothes; shower in cold water so you’re used to the freezing cold; shower in hot water because you’re not crazy; paint yourself red (or any colour, I won’t judge) so you’re not blue anymore.” — Brendan, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “Why doesn’t Santa just move to Winnipeg? It’s probably colder than the North Pole! I think Winnipeg should all help bring down the hot sun to Winnipeg. All we need is 200 million (maybe even more) metres of rope (heat-proof), a few people that are willing to die from heat to tie the rope to the sun, and all the people in the world to bring down the sun with the rope… We’ll also need huge heat-proof suits. If all this doesn’t work, stock up on hot cocoa.” — Ivory, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “(A few of about 100 suggestions) Go somewhere nice; get a heater; get a garbage bag and put the snow in it; get a blowtorch and melt the snow; make a hot chocolate hot tub; get your kids to shovel the snow; make a fake lawn and make it summer; close your windows so you don’t see the snow; sleep in; make a fort; have a BBQ; just deal with it; snuggle with a dog.” — Anna, 11, Grade 6

Dear Winnipeg: “We should have an official Winter Blues Day. It should be held at the Convention Centre. The thermostat should be set to 40 C and have barbecue restaurants and gallons of pop. There would be a beach, with a sun and pool of water. The tickets would cost $60, but I’m pretty sure I would give up my house just to get out of – 30 temperatures. All the funds would be donated to snow-removal projects. My last idea is to have a weekly hot chocolate bath for all of winter… I hope 2019 is a cold winter, because we have the tools to hit it right in the stomach. Hard!” — Wrien (Ryan), 11, Grade 6

The St. Alphonsus students had a lot more red-hot ideas on how to banish the winter blues, but I don’t have time to share them with you right now… because my bathtub is not going to fill itself with hot chocolate.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca