High time to talk pot

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/10/2018 (2832 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Well, kids, the big day is finally here.

Unless you have been hiding in a drainpipe for the past year, you will know today is the historic day on which Canadians can legally smoke recreational marijuana.

If you are like Uncle Doug, you will have no idea what the arrival of legalized pot means for you and your loved ones, especially here in Manitoba.

Which is why, today, Uncle Doug is wisely turning his column over to legendary cannabis expert Professor Pot. Let’s start blowing smoke:

Free Press: Hi, Professor Pot.

Professor Pot: No, not at the moment. Are my eyes red or something?

FP: Um, no. Sorry, that wasn’t a question. We were just saying hello.

PP: Oh, right. Ha ha ha. Well, “hi” to you, too.

FP: We were wondering whether we should refer to this newly legalized product as cannabis, marijuana, pot, weed, reefer or mary jane?

PP: Yes.

FP: Thanks, that really clears things up. The provincial government has outlawed the consumption of cannabis in public places, such as streets and sidewalks and parks and patios and bus shacks and beaches, so where can the public safely consume legalized pot?

PP: In my parents’ basement. But don’t tell my mom. She just thinks I’m really into incense.

FP: Good to know. Where can Manitobans buy their legal marijuana?

PP: Licensed retail outlets, and online.

FP: And how do we find these stores?

PP: I would just look for large clouds of smoke or haze wafting into the air, then walk towards them. If you hear someone playing Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, you’re probably heading in the right direction.

FP: Speaking of that, does the legalization of pot mean that everyone will also be required to wear tie-dye T-shirts and listen to old Pink Floyd albums, too?

PP: Yes, you should have Dark Side of the Moon on a perpetual loop on your mobile recording device. Ditto anything by Black Sabbath and Bob Marley and the Wailers. Poetry is good, too.

FP: Poetry?

PP: Yes, something like… Roses are red/violets are blue/you share your weed/and I’ll share mine.

FP: Um, that doesn’t rhyme.

PP: No? Hmmm, maybe it’s a haiku.

FP: On a more serious note, are you allowed to smoke legal pot in your car?

PP: No! Absolutely not! Professor Pot may be dazed and confused, but he’s not a (bad word) idiot.

FP: Who will benefit the most, financially speaking, from the decision to legalize the sale and use of marijuana?

PP: That would be the people who make Doritos. Also, anyone involved in the pizza-delivery industry. Ditto gas stations and convenience stores that sell grease-containing snacks. It’s kind of a joint effort.

FP: On that topic, what do you think would be the most nutritious snack for someone indulging in legal pot?

PP: Potatoes.

FP: Potatoes?

PP: Yes, baked.

FP: Uh huh. Moving on, some medical experts have argued that prolonged pot use can have negative health consequences, such as confusion and paranoia. What are your professional feelings?

PP: Ha ha ha! Why are you asking that? Who sent you? Are you with the RCMP? Are you an undercover Mountie? Why else would you be wearing freshly pressed blue jeans with black dress shoes polished to a high-gloss sheen?

FP: Sorry, we were just…

PP: Also, there’s nothing in my trunk. Speaking of which, where’s my card, dude?

FP: In your view, will the legalization of pot result in crazed grey-haired Baby Boomer-era stockbrokers and accountants and lawyers and bankers running around Portage and Main naked while spouting dialogue from the 1969 road movie Easy Rider?

PP: I certainly hope so.

FP: When do you think the Manitoba government will make it legal to sell pot-infused baked goods?

PP: Just as soon as Premier Brian Pallister figures out how much to charge for brownies. Of course, you can buy cannabis and then cook it in the safety and privacy of your own home. Just remember which batch is for the party on Saturday night, and which batch is OK to bring to the PTA meeting at your kid’s school on Wednesday.

FP: According to some news reports, the advent of legalized cannabis has led to the creation of some very interesting jobs in the industry.

PP: That’s true. For instance, you could become an investor who purchases cannabis futures and then hangs onto them until their value increases exponentially.

FP: Interesting. What is that job called?

PP: Pot holder.

FP: The province has said its goal is for 90 per cent of Manitobans to have access to legal cannabis within a 30-minute drive or less. What does that mean?

PP: It means they have been smoking far in advance of the legal deadline.

FP: If you smoke cannabis, will it have an impact on how you vote on the referendum question about reopening Portage and Main to pedestrian traffic in the upcoming civic election?

PP: Only if you inhale.

FP: Thank you, Professor Pot.

PP: You’re welcome. Now, please pass the Doritos, because I really need to blow this joint.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca