Never anger the Hockey Gods, Jets fans

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/05/2018 (3009 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It was a wonderfully sunny afternoon and I was sitting in an Exchange District coffee shop, munching a delicious sandwich and chatting with my buddy Dan, who also is this newspaper’s hot-shot political columnist.

Like pretty much everyone else in this city, we were talking hockey, specifically the fortunes of the Winnipeg Jets, which is how I almost violated one of the most sacred unwritten rules governing the behaviour of sports fans.

In between stuffing my face with sandwich, I gave Dan a serious look and started to say something like: “You know, I think the Jets are poised to become the first Canadian team since… “

Which is when Dan held up one of his hands to convey the concept that I should shut up,and politely declared: “No! No! No! Hold your horses right there, buddy.”

I was mildly confused, which is sort of a constant state for me. “Huh?” I grunted. “I was just trying to say the Jets might be the first Canadian team since 1993 to win the… “

Which is when my buddy interjected again, stating: “Seriously, are you trying to jinx the Jets? That’s not going to happen on my watch.”

Noting my confused expression, Dan went on to remind me of arguably the most important superstition in sports — you NEVER EVER talk about something awesome your team is doing, or might do, because it will bring down the wrath of the Hockey Gods.

I could not have been more embarrassed. Dan was absolutely right, and my loose lips could easily have derailed our hockey heroes’ quest for the NHL’s Holy Grail.

For those of you who are not hockey fans — if there are any of you left in this town — the worst thing a fan can do is point out that his team, or a vital player on that team, is in the midst of doing something special.

For instance, if your goaltender is working on a shutout, the worst thing you can do is point out that fact to your fellow fans, as we see from the following scientific example…

INCORRECT FAN BEHAVIOUR:

Fan No. 1: “Gee, our goalie is heading for a shutout.”

Fan No. 2: “Sure looks like it.”

Announcer: “OHMYGAWD! The opposing team has just scored 17 goals in the space of five seconds. Someone clearly angered the Hockey Gods!”

 

CORRECT FAN BEHAVIOUR:

Fan No. 1: “Gee, our goalie is heading for a shutout.”

Fan No. 2 (pulling a gun): “Sorry, Bill, but you know the rules… BANG! I’ll see that your wife gets your season tickets.”

Announcer: “It appears someone in Row 12 has been shot to death, but more importantly, our goalie just made another scintillating save.”

 

So that is an important rule to remember, because (a) you don’t want to ruin your team’s chances, and (b) you don’t want to be shot to death in the middle of an exciting game.

Anyone who has ever attended a sporting event is aware that the things fans say and do in the stands have a direct impact on what happens on the ice or football field or baseball diamond or whatever field of play is involved.

Let’s say you are watching the game with your legs crossed and your team scores. That means, for the rest of the (bad word) game, you are morally required to sit with your legs crossed, because clearly that is the only reason your team was able to bulge the twine, so to speak.

Yes, you might lose all feeling in your legs, but that is a small price to pay for victory.

My son and his beloved truly believe that, whenever the Jets take the ice, they have to dress their dog Finn up in all manner of team apparel — scarves, jerseys, hats — and post goofy photos on their Instagram account (Finnstagram) or the home side won’t have a shot at victory.

It’s important to note that fans are not the only ones who believe doing bizarre things can bring them good luck, or ward off bad luck.

Players are even more superstitious, which explains why they grow playoff beards, tap the goaltender’s pads before a game and put on their pads and skates in exactly the same order every game.

Players of other sports are just as tradition-bound. Consider the case of former big-league slugger Jason Giambi, who had a unique method for turning things around whenever he found himself mired in a hitting slump.

If he was struggling at the plate, the first baseman (and, yes, you can look this up online) would slip his 6-3, 240-pound frame into a skimpy gold thong under his uniform before a game. This superstition proved so successful that Giambi’s teammates would reportedly borrow his bikini bottoms to break out of their own slumps.

New York Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon admitted to wearing the “magic thong” because, quote, “You’re not worrying about your hands or your balance at the plate. You’re worried about the uncomfortable feeling you’re receiving.”

We’ll just bet that’s true, Johnny. But we can’t imagine it’s as uncomfortable as we’ll be feeling because we personally will be sitting with our (bad word) legs crossed until the Jets… OK, PUT DOWN THE GUN, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT GOING TO SAY IT OUT LOUD!!!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca