We’re losing sleep over having to spring forward

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/03/2018 (3042 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you happen to see me staggering around the frozen-food aisle in the grocery store today, you should probably just keep on walking.

It pains me to say this, but don’t waste your time offering me a cheery greeting, because chances are, if I even realize you are speaking to me, I will simply scowl back in a sullen and disdainful manner.

Would you like to know why I plan on being in a foul mood today? I’d be happy to tell you. I plan on being an oversized version of Oscar the Grouch, because this morning I will have been deprived of the one thing I value above all else — a good night’s sleep.

Unless you have been snoozing under a rock — which right about now sounds like an excellent idea — you will know that yesterday, on the second Sunday in March, we were forced once again to “spring forward” and revert to daylight time, wherein we set our (bad word) clocks ahead by an entire hour.

For those of you who failed Grade 5 math or happen to live in Saskatchewan, where they don’t spring forward or fall back, setting our clocks an hour ahead means — and you may want to write this next bit down — we get an hour less sleep. Think about that, kids: We. Get. An. Hour. Less. Sleep! Does that sound like a good idea to anyone? Hands up if you think losing an entire hour of sack time is just a super idea? No one? I didn’t think so.

Fortunately, the government has an excellent reason for making us do this — THE GOVERNMENT HATES US! I apologize for activating the caps lock feature on my keyboard, but I can tell that most of you are falling asleep in your oatmeal while attempting to read today’s newspaper. The fact you are using toothpicks to prevent your eyelids from slamming shut was my first clue.

The general idea behind daylight time is that instead of sleeping through an hour of sunlight in the morning, we move our clocks ahead one hour to make more productive use of the sunlight we get. In the fall, when the daylight hours are reduced, clocks are set back an hour so we get more sunlight in the morning.

Everybody got that? To recap: we are sacrificing an hour of sweet, sweet sleep in order to get an extra hour of daylight during the evening. As a spokesman for old, cranky people, I would like to issue the following heart-felt statement: “What a (bad word) crock!”

We, as a nation, do not need an extra hour of daylight in the evening. Canadians are not idiots, which means we do not spend our evening hours frolicking in the outdoors. No, we right-minded Canadians spend our evening hours inside, on our couches, binge-watching Netflix shows on our big-screen TVs and, on occasion, running to the kitchen to fetch cold beverages and delicious grease-containing snack items.

If you need further proof, consider the fact that all of our important modern gadgets — microwave ovens, computers, beer fridges and high-tech blenders designed to mix the perfect margarita — are kept indoors, in the dark, where we also keep most of our electricity.

Speaking of electricity, far too many people believe the concept of daylight time came from the famously old American statesman and inventor Benjamin Franklin. This is not true. Franklin — who came up with the proverb “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man unpopular with his friends” — did publish a letter stating that Parisians economize on candles by getting up earlier in the morning. But no one in Paris read it because it was written in English, and they were all too tired anyway.

The truth is, the notion of daylight time was first proposed in 1895 by a guy from New Zealand named George Hudson, who happened to be an entomologist and wanted more after-work daylight time to engage in his favourite hobby, which happened to be collecting insects.

What does that mean in purely scientific terms? It means the rest of us have to be sleep-deprived and nod off standing in the checkout aisle at the supermarket, all because some pathetic bug enthusiast from New Zealand wanted more sunshine to participate in what is arguably — excuse me while I once again activate the caps-lock feature on my keyboard — THE NERDIEST HOBBY ON THE PLANET THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE COLLECTING STAMPS!

Maybe I’m just in a really bad mood, or maybe I’m just too tired to care. But the point I am trying to make is that the idea of giving up an hour’s sleep so that people who do not contribute to society — yes, I am looking at you younger persons who stay up past 10 p.m. — can enjoy a bit more sunlight is a monumentally stupid idea, even though we Canadians have been playing the time-change game for more than 100 years.

It’s time we, as patriotic Canadians, took stock of our priorities. Here are mine:

Priority No. 1 — Sleeping as much as possible.

Priority No. 2 — Thinking about sleeping.

Priority No. 3 — Whining about anything that gets in the way of Priority No. 1.

I could also have mentioned the fact that science has proven losing an hour of sleep in the spring leads to more car crashes, strokes and heart attacks. But, based on the pained expression on your sleepy faces, I suspect you already knew that. You might not know that a U.S. study also found that springing ahead leads to an increase in “cyberloafing,” wherein we all spend more time goofing around on the internet than working, which is arguably the one positive thing about the time change.

What I’m trying to say is this: the time has come to halt this monstrous governmental conspiracy in which we are deprived of our democratic right to lie in bed. I urge you to contact the nearest politician and demand we stop the madness.

Then go back to sleep and dream of the day when daylight time is outlawed, and only outlaws support it.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca