‘I hate what you did’: abuse victim killed self after urging coach to get help Crown seeks 25-year term for man who groomed, molested players By: Dean Pritchard Posted: 1:59 PM CDT Tuesday, Mar. 19, 2024 Last Modified: 9:21 PM CDT Tuesday, Mar. 19, 2024 Updates

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Haunted by the abuse he suffered at the hands of his trusted high school football coach, a Winnipeg man took his own life before Kelsey McKay could be held responsible for his crimes.

In a Winnipeg courtroom Tuesday, a judge heard the devastating impact McKay’s abuse had on the man, in his own voice and words.

“He has absolutely destroyed parts of my life that I will never get back,” the man said in a police video statement recorded in late April 2022, two weeks after several other victims told police they had been sexually abused by their former coach.

The man said he suffered constant thoughts of suicide and abused alcohol and fentanyl as a means to cope with his pain.

“I OD’d six times last year,” the man told police. “I was in a real bad place.”

The man said it took him 18 years to talk about what McKay did to him, time during which McKay remained free to offend against other children.

“There were so many other people, that’s what really gets to me,” he told investigators. “I feel I could have done so much more … I’m sorry it took me so long to say something.”

Asked what he would tell McKay, if given the opportunity, the man urged McKay to seek help.

“I don’t hate you, I hate what you did,” the man said. “You are a good person, you have shown it, but you can be a very bad person too. What you did is absolutely unforgivable and sickening. There is no way anybody is going to heal from this, the way you conducted yourself. But I hope you get the help that you need.”

The man committed suicide less than three months later.

According to an agreed statement of facts read out in court, the man took his own life after he was contacted by media.

“(The victim), experiencing significant guilt and shame, became extremely paranoid about his name being publicly leaked. He also became preoccupied about the thought of having to see McKay in court and sharing his experiences. (He) had constant nightmares about McKay going free. He shut down, became suicidal and stopped going to work,” the statement read.

“I’m devastated that my brother is gone,” the man’s sister told court Tuesday. “It’s devastating that someone in a caring profession could do something so horrible.”

The man’s mother described her son as a “shining star” groomed by a man he thought he could trust. Rumours circulated about McKay’s behaviour, “but nothing ever came of them.”

“He could have been stopped years ago,” the woman said.

McKay, 53, sat beside his lawyers and did not look at the woman, other victims or victims’ family members as they addressed court.

McKay was arrested in April 2022 and charged with more than 30 counts of sexually exploiting minors.

 

Last July, McKay pleaded guilty to nine counts of sexual assault and two counts of luring in relation to nine teenage victims he had coached during his years at Vincent Massey Collegiate and Churchill High School.

The offences he admitted to happened 10 to 20 years ago, when McKay was in his 30s and 40s. Most of his victims were between the ages of 15 and 18.

Prosecutor Katie Dojack told court the Crown is seeking a sentence of 25 years in prison.

“This case is about power and control, insidious grooming, egregious psychological manipulation and sexual exploitation within a community,” despite “countless red flags,” Dojack said. “This case is about the catastrophic harm that resulted, all flowing from the actions of one man: Kelsey McKay.”

According to the agreed statement of facts, McKay targeted both students and athletes he coached and was known to give special attention to students who had difficult home lives or absent parents.

“This case is about the catastrophic harm that resulted, all flowing from the actions of one man: Kelsey McKay.”–Prosecutor Katie Dojack

McKay invited teen victims to his home to “hang out” and watch football or movies. He hosted team hot tub parties and showed some of his victims pornography. McKay’s behaviour escalated to providing one-on-one sexual massages and masturbating some victims. McKay gave nicknames to some of his victims’ genitals, sent them sexualized text messages and would ask them to kiss him on the cheek.

Several victims described feeling frozen when McKay assaulted them, not knowing how to fend off his advances.

McKay formed close relationships with the parents of many of his victims, gaining their trust to the point complaints about his inappropriate behaviour with players were ignored or dismissed.

In 2016, three sets of players complained about McKay’s excessive texting and unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour to Vincent Massey High School and the Pembina Trails School Division.

“McKay never denied any of the allegations or offered an explanation for his behaviour,” Dojack said, reading from the statement of facts.

McKay ignored orders by school officials to stop texting individual students and meeting with them one-on-one.

“McKay never denied any of the allegations or offered an explanation for his behaviour.”–Prosecutor Katie Dojack

Court heard one then-16-year-old victim visited McKay alone at his home. McKay provided him with beer, told him he was bisexual and showed him gay pornography, saying “it’s not that weird” and that the boy “should try it out.”

During a subsequent visit when the boy was 17, McKay massaged and masturbated the victim.

When months later, the teen told McKay what he did was wrong, McKay said “whatever happened was consensual.”

“I feel the effects of what happened to this day,” the man, now in his 30s, told court Tuesday. “I hid this abuse for 15 years, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen.”

But there was no hiding from his memories, the man said, which he tried to numb with alcohol and partying.

“I hated being alone, especially with my thoughts,” he said.

The man said he has struggled with thoughts of suicide as a result of the abuse, lost his marriage, and lives with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety.

“I feel the effects of what happened to this day. I hid this abuse for 15 years, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen.”–Victim

“Without therapy and medication, I don’t know where I would be,” he said.

The man said he had a troubled relationship with his father when he met McKay.

“That put a target on my back with Kelsey McKay,” he said.

McKay groomed him so effectively, the victim said, that he defended their relationship when his father tried to tell him it wasn’t normal.

“He tried to protect me … and I defended (McKay) against my own father,” the man said.

Dojack cross-examined a forensic psychiatrist retained by the defence, who wrote a report finding McKay was a “low-to-moderate” risk to reoffend sexually and characterized McKay’s actions as “out of character” and “atypical.”

“What I am saying is it’s out of character for an otherwise law-abiding and pro-social person,” Dr. Jonathan Rootenberg told court, testifying via video from Toronto.

Dojack argued the fact McKay was “otherwise law-abiding” was what put him in a position to abuse children.

Rootenberg said the issue is whether McKay pursued a career for its own sake and then abused his victims, or whether he chose his career because it provided him an opportunity to abuse children.

The sentencing hearing resumes Wednesday.

dean.pritchard@freepress.mb.ca