We can kiss our self-respect goodbye

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/06/2011 (5247 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

No matter how hard I tried to adjust the rabbit ears, the picture at city hall wasn’t getting any clearer Wednesday afternoon.

On one hand, there was outgoing city Coun. Gord Steeves, speaking earnestly about Winnipeg’s latest recipient of the key to the city.

On the other hand, you had Gene Simmons fondling the key.

Here’s Steeves: The 62-year-old Simmons is “an entrepreneurial genius” and a “patient, kind and very involved father.”

Here’s Simmons in a 2002 National Public Radio interview explaining how he kept track of the women he’d slept with:

“So for whatever reason they deem me worthy of their companionship, I was more than glad to oblige,” he told interviewer Terri Gross. “And so, almost 30 years ago, I started taking photos. Polaroids. And I still have them to this day. And so, when (his) book was being written, Crown Publishers, who published my book, wanted to know — you know, you can’t just say “I did this” and “I did that,” you have to give specifics.

“So I sat down and started counting. One, two, and so on. And arrived at about 4,600 and change.”

Here’s Steeves: “Many of us look up to Gene now.”

Here’s Simmons, again from 2002: “The notion is that if you want to welcome me with open arms, I’m afraid you’re also going to have to welcome me with open legs.”

Steeves: “This is a rock star who has gone on to even greater things.”

Here’s Simmons Wednesday: “I’m a nobody. I’m undeserving.”

Over the years, the key to the city have been handed over to such notables as Milt Stegall, Sir Bob Geldof, Olympian Jon Montgomery, golfer Mike Weir and football player Israel Idonije.

They have also been given to Peter Nygård and Henry Winkler.

Sam Katz had to make a special trip to the World of Wheels car show to present the key to the Fonz.

When asked about the womanizing, Steeves said he really hasn’t paid much attention to Simmons or his band Kiss for 30 years or more. Most people haven’t, unless they like car-wreck television. Simmons and his partner, Shannon Tweed, a 1981 Playboy centrefold, have been paid to unfurl their dirty talk, poor parenting and sexual complaints in front of anyone whose TV remote has suddenly stopped working while they’re stapled to the couch.

Tweed, who walked off an American talk show this week as Simmons discussed his monumental infidelities, was also at city hall.

Asked why she’s still travelling with the cad, Tweed snapped: “Watch the show.” Uncannily, her face didn’t move as she said it.

There were 50 or so fans at city hall Wednesday brandishing LPs and hoping to get Kiss shirts autographed. Simmons blew past them all, even the fat guy wearing what appeared to be a diaper and a flesh-toned body suit.

There was a strong police presence but even they couldn’t stop all the extras from Wayne’s World from lawfully assembling at city headquarters.

Simmons gets credit for knowing where he was. He suggested Winnipeg and Fargo work together with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to solve this whole flood thing. Tweed offered a mazel tov that we’re getting the NHL back. Simmons, the son of Holocaust survivors, said he’d be back when the human rights museum opens.

The rocker with the famous tongue was in Winnipeg to speak at the concert hall Wednesday night. He used the city hall press conference to try to move tickets to the event.

Here’s Gord Steeves on Simmons: “I guess every person has things that are admirable and not admirable about them. The reward’s based on what he’s done.”

Here’s Simmons on receiving the key: “There but for the grace of God, I would have been asking the next person in line if they wanted fries with that.”

My favourite quip on handing Gene Simmons the key to the city?

“Quick. Let’s change the locks.”

After that, let’s work on not looking like bush-league sycophants who kiss up to every celebrity who comes to town.

lindor.reynolds@freepress.mb.ca