Machine Gun Kelly’s black tongue is a trend the world must not swallow

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This article was published 25/05/2021 (1924 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

The star of the Billboard Music Awards this weekend was Machine Gun Kelly’s tongue.

The last time I wrote about Mr. Kelly and his girlfriend, Megan Fox, it was a cautionary PSA on celebrity PDA. They clearly did not read that column. If anything, the public groping and spit swaps have gotten so out of control, they are practically conjoined twins fused at the lips and hips. If MGK ever has suicide sauce at lunch, Megan’s eyes will soon be watering because these two lunatics can’t refrain from tonsil wrestling every 90 seconds.

It’s disgusting. They are disgusting. And they’ve never been more disgusting than this weekend on the red carpet when they French kissed amid the flashbulbs while showcasing his “special accessory” for the ceremony, which was a black tongue.

I am not referring to the medical ailment, which the Mayo Clinic defines as an “oral condition that gives the tongue a dark, furry appearance.” MGK’s tongue looked more like it was coated with fresh asphalt. He dyed it black with a Q-tip and mysterious paste that was durable enough to withstand Megan lapping at it all night like a woodchuck on a salt lick.

In one photo she shared on Instagram, the two are dolled up for the awards, arms intertwined. In the background, there is a broom and dustbin, proof the universe is hinting it is high time these two cleaned up their act. She is wearing … actually, I don’t know what she’s wearing. Remember the snowflakes we’d make in grade school by folding paper and cutting out geometric patterns? And how sometimes we’d accidentally make the holes too big? It appears her dressmaker adopted this technique or ran out of black fabric after barely concealing her nipples and belly button. About 90 per cent of Megan’s torso is exposed.

This outfit is rated somewhere between PG-13 and R.

Meanwhile, MGK is standing behind her, looking like he’s about to use his mouth to smuggle a hockey puck past customs. He is garbed in a black tux and crisp white shirt he hasn’t bothered to button up, so everyone can catch a glimpse of his full-body ink.

His mouth is open, his tongue flapping like a boat flag at a regatta.

He looks like a little boy who just spent the afternoon sucking on a lump of coal.

But the big question is, Why? I’m honestly asking, MGK. Why did you dye your tongue black? Was this to support BLM? Black tongues matter? Was it an existential commentary on the problem of evil, a simultaneous nod to St. Augustine and Wiley Wallaby Classic Black Licorice? Or after all the tattoos and piercings, are you running out of body parts for self-expression?

Personally, I think it’s that last one. I give it six months before he injects a glowing radioactive fluid into his earlobes or decides to surgically swap his bedazzled fingers and toes. Then if he wins a future Grammy, his bare feet could give two thumbs up as his hand pinkies paw at Megan who will be wearing nothing but an empty grin and strategically placed dust bunnies.

These two are disgusting. And, increasingly, irresponsible. MGK, you have tremendous cultural clout. You are a trendsetter. I respect your musicianship and gonzo marketing instincts. I do. But you can’t just be colouring in your tongue for no apparent reason because that will have unintended consequences. I guarantee you, in the last 48 hours, Google has seen a spike in, “How do I dye the inside of eyelids?” This summer, as the masks start to come off, you’re going to be on a patio and the millennials at the next table will have a rainbow of organs.

Tattoos? Fine. Piercings? Whatever. Spray-painted retinas or olfactory bulbs? Not good.

I swear to God, MGK, I will hunt you down and force you to listen to polka if one of my daughters ever comes up to me in the weeks ahead and says, “Dad, why don’t you dye your tongue aquamarine? Also, all the cool dads are making their bums Rococo.”

By Tuesday morning, in search of answers, I had read dozens of stories from around the world about Mr. Kelly’s black tongue. But there were no answers. None. Even a headline in ET Canada — “Here’s Why Machine Gun Kelly Painted His Tongue Black For 2021 Billboard Music Awards” — led to nothing but nothing. The most interesting tidbit in that piece came from the MGK’s stylist, who said the black tongue was “100 per cent” the singer’s idea.

That’s not false modesty. It’s possible evidence in a future lawsuit should Machine Gun Kelly suddenly get diagnosed with mouth cancer or permanently lose his ability to distinguish between sweet and sour. The scary thing is musicians are as superstitious as athletes. He won two trophies this weekend with that black tongue. This can only mean he will arrive on the red carpet for next year’s Billboard Music Awards after getting tarred and feathered or affixing a tiny Samurai sword to his molars or melting his chin with a direct energy weapon.

Stop, Machine Gun Kelly. Just stop.

Your tongue and our eyes deserve better.

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: @vinaymenon