Adjusting pronouns involves listening, learning

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This article was published 23/10/2021 (1524 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

USED to be that our pronouns for the rest of our life were assigned at birth by an obstetrician who looked between the legs of the newborn. The declaration “It’s a boy!” meant that person’s pronouns would forever be he/him. Alternatively, “It’s a girl!” meant the infant would carry the she/her pronouns to her grave.

Today’s younger generation has a more enlightened view of gender as a social construct, and many are searching for pronouns that feel more accurate for them. Their generation understands some people don’t fit into the traditional male or female category. For those of us in an older generation, we have work to do if we want to update our understanding.

There seems to be a generational divide on this topic, with the younger side including students in secondary and post-secondary schools, where it’s not a big deal when teenagers and young adults adopt new pronouns for themselves.

Even those of us on the older side of this generational divide have noticed something significant is happening. Everyone who hasn’t been living under a rock has noticed many digital signatures and social-media identities now include the writer’s choice of pronouns. We may have even grumbled that “they” seems linguistically clumsy as a singular pronoun. Is it “they is” or “they are”?

But proper grammar is not paramount in this rapid evolution of pronouns. What’s more important is offering a respectful response to someone trying a new pronoun.

Digging deeper into this subject can be confusing even for well-intentioned people who are trying to learn. For example, “xe/xem” or “ze/zim” are pronouns that are apparently growing in popularity.

Even though some people view pronoun pronouncements as perplexing, we should pay attention because the changes are going mainstream. The City of Winnipeg last month offered its 10,000 employees an optional course on pronouns and gender-inclusive language. The city now encourages workers to write their pronouns in email signatures and business cards, and announce them at meetings.

The issue hit home last summer when a longtime friend asked if they could come over “to share something” with my wife and me. Turns out they now identify as non-binary and would appreciate us referring to them in a gender-neutral way, such as using the pronoun “they.”

My wife immediately pledged support, thanking our friend for trusting us with details of their gender journey. Knowing those two, they would have hugged it out if we weren’t distanced in lawn chairs in our backyard because of pandemic restrictions.

I withheld immediate acceptance. This friend and I have a history of challenging each other on social-justice issues with spirited discussion that hasn’t hurt our relationship, so I felt free to be frank: “There’s a lot about this pronoun and non-binary stuff I don’t understand, including how this is going to affect your marriage. Help me unpack this.”

I asked lots of questions and listened. Over the course of several conversations, they have helped me understand, at least to some degree. I sometimes forget to use their new pronoun, but they know I’m trying. I now consider myself an ally, but still learning.

Some people want to go even further than giving people safe space to announce their pronoun. Some want to make it mandatory for everyone in group situations to state their pronouns so it’s not awkward for people who want to declare an untraditional pronoun.

Aaryanna Gariss, who describes themselves online as “an average queer,” put forth the argument: “We need to change the narrative that asking for someone’s pronouns is awkward. Stating pronouns needs to become normalized. When we are at a point in a conversation and you introduce yourself with your name, it should be the next thing that comes out of your mouth.”

I disagree. People shouldn’t be pressured. Of the people I know in my workplace, my church, my social circles and my extended family, none of us has ever called on the others to declare our pronouns. Perhaps some of my friends and colleagues privately feel their traditional pronoun is not a good fit for them, but they shouldn’t be pushed to confess this in a public setting. With us, it doesn’t come up, but maybe that’s the point of the everybody-disclose scenario put forth by people such as Gariss.

My non-binary friend agrees more with Gariss than me on this aspect, and that’s OK. Our conversations continue. I am grateful to this friend for being a guide in pronoun terrain that initially seemed foreign. I will listen closely to what they says.

carl.degurse@freepress.mb.ca

Carl DeGurse, he/him, is a member of the Free Press editorial board.