Woman invites Grinch to Christmas party, is shocked when Grinch goes Grinch and destroys her home

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/12/2021 (1389 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It was a bloody mess of a party in Whoville.

But let’s begin by checking in with Dr. Seuss for clarification. Right, here it is: “The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!”

So inviting the Grinch to your Christmas party is treason.

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

According to a story this week in the Daily Mail, one mother, Laura Magill, “thought to be from Northern Ireland,” paid about $145 (Canadian) for a Grinch impersonator “to visit her home as a festive treat.”

But this transaction came with a misunderstanding. In a Facebook post, Magill said she thought Grinch would mess up her kids’ beds, have a pillow fight and maybe twirl her Christmas tree with toilet paper.

Alas, something was terrifyingly amiss about this Grinchy Grinch.

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.

I don’t know about that. You can’t kick the crap out of a stranger’s abode in ill-fitting boots. And this Grinch went to town on the Magill household.

More from her Facebook post as to what happened:

“… every single bit of party food expensive cupcakes threw all over the place tree decorations BROKE!!! Fairy liquid poured on my kitchen floor eggs smashed and a full bottle of juice poured over my floor and SON!!!”

My God, the Grinch also stole GRAMMAR!!!

In photos that went viral this week, it appears the fists of this unidentified Grinch must have swelled three sizes from the vandalism frenzy. The hardwood floor in Magill’s living room looks like a crime scene involving a psychotic pastry chef. In another shot dryly captioned by the Mail — “Her son allegedly pictured after the experience” — a small boy stands in a Roo-style onesie that is smeared with green liquid. His little arms are held away from his body like a scarecrow. His face is soaked with red, the colour of blood.

He looks like he was just in combat.

It is unclear from his expression if he is electrified or traumatized.

I have not independently verified this story. People, it’s almost Christmas. I got stuff to do. I can’t be investigating a rogue Grinch in maybe Northern Ireland. But this story has been reported in multiple media outlets. And the consensus is: this mother and son, much like Cindy Lou, are the victims.

Again, I don’t know about that. Would this mother invite a rabbit trapper to her Easter party? Would she bring asbestos to a housewarming? Does she believe a strip-o-gram is an appropriate wedding gift? Does she ring in the new year with festive crackers filled with shrapnel?

My point is simple: Grinch gonna Grinch!

If you’re throwing a Superman party for your son, you shouldn’t invite Lex Luthor. When my daughters were younger, they had a birthday party for which we hired a company that brings a menagerie of animals for all the kids to learn about. At no point did I request a viper or scorpion because that would have posed a very serious hazard in the petting circle.

I feel sorry for this Grinch. I really do. Dr. Seuss wrote a redemption tale, but nobody remembers the final act. Grinch has an eternal black mark on his reputation. If you call someone Grinch, it’s not because he ultimately brought back the toys and carved the roast beast. It’s because he hates Christmas.

I don’t know what it takes to become a professional Grinch. But I salute this unidentified bloke in maybe Northern Ireland for really getting into character. This Grinch is almost too good at his job. I just pray he doesn’t have a side hustle as a Jeffrey Dahmer impersonator.

And if there is a spike in neighbourhood thefts of very specific items — Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums! Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums! — now the authorities in maybe Northern Ireland have a suspect.

At the end of her Facebook post, Magill remarked she had “never been so disgusted in my life.” Fair enough. That overzealous Grinch really did a smashing number on those pricey cupcakes. If this story is true, I also fear this poor little boy may now believe the Tooth Fairy is an assassin.

But you live and you learn.

And next Christmas, maybe Magill will hire Santy Claus.

OK, people. That’s it from me until 2022. Actually, what am I saying? Don’t miss my Santa Claus Fund column next week! And please donate if you can. Come on. Don’t be a Grinch! But, yeah, after that column, see you in 2022.

Not a day goes by in which I don’t hear from Star readers. And during this pandemic, you have made me laugh, think and sometimes re-evaluate my beliefs. You’ve offered praise or criticism as warranted. You’ve sent me tips, suggestions, recipes, YouTube videos, pet photos, arcane background links to subjects I didn’t even know existed. You’ve shared expertise and anecdotes. You’ve told me about your jobs and families. You’ve let me into your lives.

I’m not pandering here. All I’m saying is my heart has grown three sizes.

Thank you. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you and yours.

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: @vinaymenon