Learning to listen

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/10/2023 (930 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

OCTOBER is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

To those who have experienced pregnancy loss, infant loss and babies born to spirit, I offer my condolences.

Having experienced unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss, I understand your pain. I have six babies born to spirit and no living biological children. In the years I tried to carry a pregnancy to term, I swam the depths of pregnancy loss from several ectopic pregnancies to hemorrhaging miscarriages.

My very first pregnancy ended with a traumatic surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy that did not respond to medication. The removal of my fallopian tube immediately swept away any possibility of a typical pregnancy. In another particularly devastating loss, I saw my baby’s heartbeat. That little beating heart gave me so much hope.

For several years, I sought out a variety of treatment options, even when it meant I had to endure terrible physical and psychological side effects. I could write pages and pages describing the many medical interventions, the tests, and the medication trials. I could write a book about the waiting, the unknown and then the eventual heartbreak.

The journey was arduous and frustrating, as well as emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining. It had extensive impacts on my health, my family and my relationships that affect my life even now.

I am grateful to those who offered support throughout my experience.

In our society, pregnancy and infant loss has been, and can still be, a taboo subject. Many people do not know how to talk about or respond to those who live with it.

Personally, there were certain responses that I found particularly unhelpful. I wish people had been less prone to give me false hope or silver-line my losses with comments like, “at least you can get pregnant”. I could have done without platitudes such as, “it wasn’t meant to be”. It was meant to be, my babies just didn’t get to stay with us for very long.

Saying it wasn’t meant to be is like saying my babies never existed. Well-meaning instructions like, “stop stressing, just relax, throw caution to the wind,” minimized the hope and the heartbreak I was dealing with.

Lastly, I wish I could have avoided unsolicited advice. One person told me I should just stop trying. Another told me to keep going, “lucky number seven”, when I finally felt ready to move on.

I understand that the people making these comments were well intentioned, but that never made it hurt less. It is so important to remember that any decisions to be made belong to the person going through the experience.

What was and still is most helpful is finding people who can listen. If someone you know is experiencing pregnancy or infant loss, my best advice is to “just be” with them. If you don’t know what to say, it is OK to say exactly that.

In the end, what I most wanted was to be able to talk to someone who got it. This is what motivated me to become a volunteer with the Dragonfly Support Program. The program offers counselling, group therapy and grief support circle to those experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. There is also an educational component with service provider sessions and a province-wide Community of Practice.

As a volunteer, I offer one to one support. I am not a therapist, just someone who gets it.

I am part of a wonderful group of humans who have trained to become Peer Support Volunteers. Each one of us has lived experience with pregnancy loss, infant loss and babies born to spirit. While no two experiences are ever alike, we do understand. In collaboration with ORE – A Place of Tender Love and Compassion, and a group of dedicated community members, the Dragonfly Support Program will be hosting its first ever gathering, Connecting with Compassion, on October 21st. Details on the gathering, as well as registration, are available through Eventbrite. For more information the Dragonfly Support Program, please visit the website. https://womenshealthclinic.org/what-we-do/dragonfly/

Joanne Vinet is a Dragonfly Peer Support Volunteer. She is the mother of six babies born to spirit and stepmother to an amazing stepdaughter.