What it takes to apologize

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/01/2025 (420 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It is the epitome of irony that U.S. President Donald Trump — who has never offered an apology to anyone — would request an apology from Episcopal Bishop Mariann Budde.

Apologies are deceptively simple.

You acknowledge that you harmed someone and say that you are sorry.

But the reality of an apology is much more complicated as indicated by the Trump/Budde imbroglio. There are two primary requirements for an apology, one being an admission that you did something wrong and two, that you care enough about the other person or the relationship to take on the emotional discomfort of owning your mistake and apologizing for it.

To complicate matters further, how do you decide what is wrong? What is wrong is often entirely subjective.

Trump thought it was wrong for Budde to bring “her church into the world of politics in a very ungracious way.” Budde on the other hand stated that “I am not going to apologize for asking for mercy for others.”

In thinking about offering an apology it is important to distinguish between intent and reception. There is truth in the adage that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

But most people believe that if they are doing something with good intentions, they cannot be wrong. Furthermore, the idea of admitting wrongdoing is incredibly threatening to many people who have trouble separating their actions from their character. If you do something wrong, are you a bad person? Apologies are a major threat to our sense of identity and self-esteem.

If, for example, you are employed in a helping profession, how likely is it that you are going to be able to admit that you harmed rather than helped someone? And what are the societal and cultural norms that govern how you respond to accountability? Most often these norms work against the admission of guilt because of potential litigation concerns.

To be effective, an apology requires an attitude of generosity, honesty, humility, commitment and courage; it involves an admission of regret and responsibility for mistakes made.

The key to understanding the psychology of apologies lies in our shared humanity.

We make mistakes. Apologies are premised on our ability to admit to our fallibility.

Unfortunately, as a society we have moved away from empathy, civil discourse, debate, compassion and mutual respect.

How did we get to the point where the president of the United States asks Budde for an apology by insulting her? If you want someone to apologize to you, do you call them “nasty, not compelling or smart, and inappropriate?”

The Trump/Budde controversy is a sad commentary on the state of our affairs. Apologies can be helpful in helping people heal and move on from upsetting experiences. But how often do we receive a sincere apology?

Not very often. We are hamstrung by groupthink where those with whom we confer enable us to avoid taking responsibility for our behaviour.

In responding to Donald Trump, Budde said she did her best to try to try to present an alternative to “the culture of contempt.” Indeed, name calling, us-versus-them thinking and scapegoating have become the norm.

With apologies, we must move beyond right-versus-wrong thinking. The reality of conflict is that it is common for offences to occur in the context of other offences.

When it comes to hurt feelings often both people feel misunderstood and poorly treated.

If one individual can be the better person and apologize for their portion of harm, it can open communication to allow the other party to apologize as well. Ideally an exchange of apologies could help Trump and Budde move forward in a way that restores respect, caring and trust.

I dream of a world where people can mutually admit to their mistakes and apologize.

I hope against hope that the Trumps and Buddes of the world can resolve their differences amicably.

Mac Horsburgh lives in Winnipeg.