Enough pancake flipping and magical thinking

Opinion

Howdy Manitoba! It’s your friendly Saskatchewan neighbour. I’d wave but you can’t see me through the thick smoke. Environment Canada assures me it will blow over any day now. And when it does, we can finally enjoy that long overdue summer visit on the deck.

We need to log some time together since Saskatchewan and Alberta politicians have philosophically aligned in a Vulcan Mind Meld that rivals the failed bid to merge into one big province called Buffalo in 1905.

Alberta and Saskatchewan have eliminated interprovincial trade barriers and we’re now brainstorming. We practise Pickle Ball Public Policy. It’s a short-court approach with lots of unanticipated injuries.

Alberta is leading the charge in protecting our youth from dirty books. What better way to convert them to The Wild Rose Way than public library censorship?

No one reads anymore — unless it’s a truncated 140 characters on X. “Literature” is just the long-winded ramblings of the likes of W.O. Mitchell and Margaret Laurence.

Kids, if you want to learn about puberty, you’ll have to consult OnlyFans for lessons in anatomy. Back in my day, we relied on family bookshelves to slake our curiosity. I learned everything I know about sex in my early teens from sneak-reading my father’s copy of The Happy Hooker.

On the addictions file, Saskatchewan has introduced mandatory rehab stays for homeless addicts. It’s too bad we can’t make that policy retrograde and force Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe and his wobbly cabinet off the Quonset Moonshine and into a 72-hour remand hold.

Which leads to the next challenge: coal-fired electricity generators. Since there are currently 44 active fires in Saskatchewan, the Moe regime’s mission is to burn “legacy” coal until 2050 to stoke the flames. Small modular reactors are for “have” provinces like Ontario.

Class action suits are the “new black” for beleaguered cottage owners and northern Saskatchewan residents whose cries for outside help turned into a tragic sociology experiment. If your property burns down, does anybody in Moe’s cynical cabinet care? The SaskParty rivals the government of Texas for incompetent inaction followed by gaslighting “thoughts and prayers.”

Just don’t force the SaskParty to call those bastards in Ottawa for help. That would be an admission that we’ve messed up, didn’t maintain our water bombers before forest fire season and don’t have the capacity to cope with Climate Change. Or, as the Americans call smoke drifting south: “Canadian Forestry Mismanagement.”

We all need to do our part. I talked to a local in front of the post office yesterday. Our conversation went on too long. When the talkative man turned to get into his SUV, he confessed it had been running for 45 minutes.

No wonder David Suzuki was frothing at the mouth on YouTube a few days ago. Stephen Quinn, a CBC Vancouver radio host, just looked over his glasses and kept mum as the frustrated scientist ranted about the Sixth Great Extinction.

“Take more time for your program to talk about these issues. Please!” Suzuki barked while Quinn looked on with obvious fatigue. It’s the same energy-depleted expression I try, and fail, to conceal when someone spital-spouts their conspiracy theory about Jeffrey Epstein’s “apparent” suicide. Only this time, Suzuki is speaking truth to power.

Prime Minister Mark Carney’s federal government isn’t helping matters when they allow U.S. President Donald Trump’s obnoxious reach to extend into Canada’s taxation policies. Oh, sure, we’ll dump the digital tax. Just let us keep producing shoddy cars in Ontario’s rust belt.

I was kicked off Facebook three months ago for marketing my new book “too aggressively” without buying an ad. I have 180 days to grieve their decision. Don’t hold your breath, Mr. Zuckerberg. It’s more productive and profitable in exile.

Which leads to the unbearable lightness of life without the Canada-United States-Mexico Agreement. Can Canada survive a protracted American trade shun?

I’m still reeling from ignorant U.S. politicians instructing Manitoba to stop “ruining American summers” with wildfire smoke as if Premier Wab Kinew placed a giant fan directed at the U.S. as just another trade irritant. What part of state of emergency aren’t they registering in their heat-stroked delirium?

If our only vision for a national makeover is a new pipeline, we’re already the 51st state. Enough pancake flipping and magical thinking, Carney. It’s just another Stampede midway shell game to keep premiers Smith and Moe too distracted with federal promises to separate.

How about a high-speed train from Winnipeg to Montreal? But it won’t stop in Toronto. That’s one thing upon which Western Canadians can agree: No one wants to go to Toronto.

Saskatchewan satirist Patricia Dawn Robertson wrote this commentary during an air quality advisory. Her new book, Media Brat: a Gen-X memoir, can be purchased at MeatDrawBooks.com