Someone call me a doctor… I’m on the verge of losing it

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/08/2009 (6228 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Ring, ring, ring…

Hello, is this Dr. I. M. Loozingit?

Dr. Loozingit: Yes, this is he.

Me: Listen, doc, you gotta help me. This summer has been a freaking disaster. The Bombers are losing. And it’s raining buckets. Again. In fact, I just saw Lyle Bauer building a big wooden ship. I said, ‘Hey, Lyle, is that an ark?’ He said, ‘No, it’s a getaway vehicle.’ Ba-dum-bum. Get it? It wasn’t an ark, it was a geta…

Dr. Loozingit: (audible groan) Oh, it’s you again.

Me: Exactly. Look, it’s getting ugly out there. Lyle Lovett ugly. Have you seen the message boards lately? The hardware store just called. They’re out of pitchforks. The Bombers are 2-5 and angry mobs are forming on the Internet.

Dr. Loozingit: So what seems to be the problem now?

Me: Mostly, it’s the Bombers offence, doc. They can’t move the football. They can’t throw the football. They can’t catch the football. Other than that, everything is just peachy. And this quarterback, Michael Bishop, it’s like he just started playing with the team a few weeks ago.

Dr. Loozingit: Wait a minute. Didn’t Bishop just join the team three weeks ago?

Me: That’s not the point. I mean, isn’t it reasonable to expect an unemployed quarterback who was sitting by the phone at home in Texas to step off the street into a lousy, unproductive offence and turn around the Bombers entire season? Really, is that too much to ask?

Dr. Loozingit: Well, I’m not a professional football executive or anything but, um, Yes.

Me: Okay, so what about this 2-5 business? What’s up with that? This was supposed to be a fabulous return to the Bombers glory days. It was supposed to be the Summer of Mike Kelly.

Dr. Loozingit: I see. Where do you think it went wrong?

Me: I’m not sure. When Kelly came from Edmonton, he traded for this hotshot quarterback named Stefan LeFors. Seemed like a nice young man, and all. But it just didn’t work. People said LeFors simply didn’t have the arm strength to succeed in Kelly’s offence. So they benched him and brought in Bishop, who has a gun for an arm.

Dr. Loozingit: And?

Me: Bupkus. Squat. Zilch. Come to think of it, Bishop’s best quarter since joining the Bombers was his first. It’s pretty much been downhill from there. Meanwhile, guys who caught for over 1,000 yards last year have become potted plants. It’s Week 7 and the Bombers don’t even have 1,000 yards passing (943). Talk about putting the “off” in offence. This is the game plan Arland Bruce should have left on the plane.

Dr. Loozingit: Oh, really. So either every single one of those players is the problem or it’s the scheme, right?

Me: No, it’s clearly the players, doc. The head coach said so and his players don’t publicly disagree, so there you go. Case closed.

Archaic

Dr. Loozingit: Er, what do you expect the players to say? That their head coach, while working as a college professor the last several years, has dusted off some archaic offence that worked 15 years ago but is woefully out of date in today’s game? Do you expect them to gather reporters around and say, “Ahem. For the record, my boss — who holds my paycheque and career in his hands — is to offence what Adam Sandler is to thespianism. Any questions? Yes, you, the chubby, bald man…”

Me: Yeah, maybe that would be the WWDAD route (What Would Derick Armstrong Do?) But I’m tellin’ ya, doc, either way there’s black clouds over Maroons Road these days. I haven’t seen anything this grim since Rosie O’Donnell wore a bikini thong. My eyes! MY EYES!!

Dr. Loozingit: Hold on. I’ve got another call coming in.

(click)

Lyle Bauer: Hey, doc, you gotta help me. This summer has been a freaking disaster.

Dr. Loozingit: That’s the word on the street. So how’s that ark coming?

Bauer: The ark? Yeah, God told me to build one then gather everything in twos. But, get this, doc — I couldn’t find two receivers!! Get it? I couldn’t find two…

Dr. Loozingit: (audible groan) Never mind. So what seems to be the problem now…?

randy.turner@freepress.mb.ca

Randy Turner
Reporter

Randy Turner spent much of his journalistic career on the road. A lot of roads. Dirt roads, snow-packed roads, U.S. interstates and foreign highways. In other words, he got a lot of kilometres on the odometer, if you know what we mean.

   Read full biography