Green with envy

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/09/2009 (6194 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

IN 218 B.C., the Carthaginian killer Hanni­bal crossed over the Alps with three dozen elephants who scared the bloody Caesars out of the Romans down below.

Elephants are massive and frightening. They have long snouts and even longer memories. The mere sight of a Punic pachyderm was supposed to be sufficiently fearsome to make your average early-Italian forget about curing ham long enough to slink away from their bocce-ball battlefields and run for their Latin lives.

About 1,400 years later, waves of Mongol and Tatar militiamen poured out of Asia into Europe on horseback. According to a mostly debunked legend, they kept strips of raw meat under their saddles, which would pulverize the flesh over long journeys into something tender and yummy, giving rise to the modern delicacy steak tartare.

Today, Saskatchewan Roughriders fans appear to be students of history, both real — as in the case of the Punic Wars — and imagined, with regards to the Golden Horde.

The weekend after Labour Day, Green Rider fans pile into ferocious beasts known as minivans and pickup trucks and drive six straight hours from Regina to Winnipeg, not even stopping for food because they’re capable of wearing their sustenance.

As most decent, culinarily appropriate Winnipeggers have observed, Saskatchewan Roughriders fans place the partly hollowed-out rinds of watermelons on their noggins to serve a variety of purposes during the Banjo Bowl weekend.

For starters, the outer rind, which is almost always a greenish-black mottled pattern that resembles the clothing of a G.I. Joe figurine from the 1970s — a possession cherished by many Rider fans — serves a protective function.

Although the skulls of Saskatchewan fans tend to be thicker than those of their Winnipeg counterparts, especially at the brow, there tend to be unusual weaknesses above the neurological centres that govern rational thought.

These centres are easily stimulated by shock or even sudden movements, leading Saskatchewan fans unable to comprehend simple mathematical concepts, such as the fact the number three — as in three Grey Cups won over the course of 99 years — is not much of a large number at all.

The watermelons also provide the road-weary Saskatchewan fan with an easy-to-access source of fruit and fibre, as the flesh of Canadian watermelons is extremely nutritious and may be consumed rather easily without utensils or even the knowledge required to use utensils.

But most importantly, watermelon headgear performs a very important psychological function for the Saskatchewan fan. By restricting the fan’s peripheral vision, the melon exoskeleton prevents the Roughrider devotee from noticing too much of his surroundings in Winnipeg — and particularly the fact that people in Manitoba are simply far more attractive.

I would never stoop as low as former Bomber placekicker Troy Westwood and suggest there are abnormalities in the Saskatchewan gene pool. The ethnocultural differences between Manitoba and Saskatchewan are far too small.

But the largely rural, decentralized nature of Saskatchewan places its young men and women at what I like to call a hipness disadvantage. While roughly seven out of 12 Manitobans live in and around relatively cosmopolitan Winnipeg, Rider fans reside in a patchwork of small communities, the largest of which are Saskatoon, Regina, Prince Albert, Moose Jaw, Yorkton and the unfortunately rat-infested Swift Current, in that order.

Factor in the numerous young men and women forced to endure childhoods in towns such as Biggar and Climax, and you have an entire province of football fans who never got over acid-washed jeans, Bryan Adams and shooting good tequila instead of sipping it.

At any bar in Canada, you can find a group of Pilsner-drinking Saskatchewan fans. Blue Bomber fans are more elusive, by virtue of the fact they’ve already been selected as desirous mates and no longer are on the market that night.

So this weekend, with so many Saskatchewan fans in Winnipeg, please extend your hospitality to our neighbours. Treat them with the same kindness and respect you would afford members of any other disadvantaged group.

And certainly do not insult them.

bartley.kives@freepress.mb.ca