FIFA, where ignorance is strength

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/10/2023 (703 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It would almost be Orwellian if it weren’t so ridiculous.

On Wednesday — otherwise a typical, run-of-the-mill Wednesday — Gianni Infantino appeared on the screens of everyone who’d forgotten to unfollow FIFA’s socials and launched into one of his bizarre, rambling speeches.

We are divided, he reminded us, but FIFA and football can save humanity… etc., etc… that old chestnut. When he opened his remarks with “Hello, everyone,” you could just tell he sincerely believed he was speaking to every single person in the world, ever. Literally everyone.

Oh, and by the way, the 2030 World Cup will be held in six countries on two continents – as per, he emphasized, the unanimous decision of the Council.

If our handheld devices functioned as telescreens, football’s Big Silly Brother would no doubt have seen a couple of million eyerolls, heard belly-roaring laughter and been jolted by the breaking glass of mobiles flung angrily against the wall by climate advocates themselves startled by such a negligent decision.

Unanimous, though. Pope Francis, who opened the Synod of Bishops at the Vatican the same day, could only dream of such consensus.

That’s FIFA 1, Vatican 0, for anyone keeping score. Though the Council, unlike the Synod, convened virtually. That would make it 2-0 to FIFA were it not for the likely paranoia that an in-person gathering of the 37-member body might attract the attention of curious attorneys general.

One can almost imagine Infantino, the FIFA president, beginning the Teams meeting — Teams just seems the natural platform for a FIFA call (join now!) — by teasing his colleagues in one of those made-up workplace accents, a la Michael Scott, and wisecracking when someone in a much earlier time-zone gets up to refill their coffee: “Aleksander, I hate to see you leave, but I love to see you go!”

But then, inevitably, someone’s screen freezes, then another’s, and then all of them but one, at which point Infantino shouts, “It’s unanimous! We’re going to Argentina, Paraguay, Uruguay, Portugal, Morocco, Spain! …Actually, it might be simpler to list the countries that won’t be hosting the World Cup.”

Superficially, a broadly-staged tournament would seem to align with what Infantino calls “new FIFA’s” vision to bring top-level football to as many people and places as possible, as often as possible. It might have even made sense in the post-war growth-at-all-costs environment that is currently and spectacularly winding up.

The modern environment is the actual one — and one, for reasons that also extend to mental, emotional, functional and, yes, financial stability, that most people are trying to positively affect by dialing things back, by going smaller, by enjoying in healthier portions.

The 2030 World Cup not only fails to accomplish any of those things, but barrels over them like a Hummer crushing so many bicycles. Or 37 Hummers, unanimously owned and operated by people so disconnected from reality they assume they’ll be thanked for their callousness.

Yes, 2030 will mark 100 years since the inaugural World Cup in Montevideo, Uruguay. It’s a centenary absolutely worth celebrating, and in his awkward broadcast Infantino asserts that a party covering three per cent of Earth’s surface will do so “in the most appropriate way.”

Try again.

Ahead of that first competition, the non-South American participants, as well as the FIFA president, the trophy and the European referees, made the transatlantic journey on the same ship. It even stopped at three different ports for convenience, like a waterbus, and picked up the Brazilians on the way.

“Appropriate” starts there.

Infantino and FIFA might believe — unanimously, of course — that they can save humanity. Their unanimity suggests the opposite is true. While they hit us over the head with the organizational slogan, “FIFA Unites the World,” it occurs that what they really mean, what they really believe — unanimously — is that other doublethink: “Ignorance is Strength.”

jerradpeters@gmail.com